Auditions are a scary kind of fun.

Yesterday's audition went pretty well, and also horribly.
I thought I did well. I wasn't called to read very much though, and it was pretty clear who the directors liked.
I'm not that experienced and I'm pretty sure it shows.
But I didn't flub a single line in my monologue or the cold reads, didn't show that I was nervous, and I could feel that I had that ubiquitous stage presence.

I'll know by the end of this week.

Today is another audition. This one requires singing and dancing, so I may not do as well. It'll be fun to try though.


Last night I dreamed that I was hanging out with Mike and I was being good, just trying to be friends, but then he kissed me all of a sudden and told me that he still loved me. That he'd made a mistake.

It hurts a little less now that I've been awake for a while and the dream is fading. But I can still feel that kiss.

Audition today.

Today I audition for some community theater. I'm excited and nervous and I just want to do well.

Other than that, I've been barely thinking about Mike. it still hurts a lot, but it really is better.

I'm just a bit lonely.

Weekends always throw me off because I like having a schedule. On the weekends, my parents are around all day and it messes my schedule.
Mostly because they don't understand my schedule.

Moving on

I always feel weird blogging when my parents are right next to me, even though they could just go online and read this.
idk. it's like they're reading my diary.

Today is better. I'm sad, but I'm also just really bored.
Dad's home finally, so that is really good.

And I'm just trying to keep on top of my many projects and job applications and trying to cook things and being responsible. it's hectic but I'm managing.

Broken tooth

Last night my tooth fell out.
To be clear, the crown of an implant fell out. Yes, I have a fake tooth.

Went to the dentist today to get it fixed. Wasn't really a problem, but the cement tastes bad and bleh.

I haven't cried (yet) today over the boy, but I just can't stop thinking about him.

I'm starting to realize that maybe I can love someone else, eventually. Not yet, but no one expects me to get over a 2 year relationship in 2 weeks.
Then my worry becomes: will anyone ever love me?
I thought it was a miracle that Mike ever liked me. I do have such low self-esteem that a large part of me feels like I'm not worthy of being loved. I'm not good enough. I felt like this long before I'd met Mike, and now I'm going to feel the same way for probably a long time again.

I can get used to being single, but I had this brief shining moment of being truly happy. I won't feel like that ever again.

Job interview, again

So I had a job interview today and for once I have a good feeling about it.

Dad's still in the hospital, but doing better. He had a CAT scan and they found a blood clot in his lung.
It hasn't been causing any problems yet, and that wasn't even what they were looking for, so it's a really good thing they saw it. Now it can get out before it does any serious damage to him.

So he's still lucky.

Things get worse

My dad went in the hospital today.
He's had a history of health problems. Sometimes when he's in the hospital, I know it'll be okay, other times I'm worried.
This time I'm worried.
It's always been okay in the past, at least eventually, but I'm aware that at some point, it won't be okay anymore. I'm scared that point is coming soon.

If I hadn't been dumped a few weeks ago and already in so much pain, would I be thinking this way? Probably not.

Applying for jobs is terrible.

I went to an interview at a restaurant today.
They kept me waiting for ten minutes and the interview only lasted for five.
I got the impression that the woman interviewing me just didn't like me for whatever reason. She promised to pass on my information to the actual hiring manager who was mysteriously not there for whatever reason, and then I would get an email asking for a background check and it would go from there.
Later this afternoon, I got an email informing me I was turned down for the job.

So what happened to passing on my information?

It's disheartening to know that I had the experience and the time available for the job, the reason I didn't get it was most likely just because this woman didn't like me.