Migraines suck

My head has been pounding since yesterday.
sensitive to light and loud noises, and just constantly hungry.
Did you know hunger was a migraine symptom? I didn't. but apparently it is!

It's already a lot better than it was yesterday, but I'm still not feeling great today.
tomorrow will hopefully be better.

PAIN

God my head hurts so bad.
I was stuck in a tiny unventilated room with games club people.
and some of them were painting miniatures in there.

you do not open paints in an unventilated room goddamit

Long long long day

Backpack + 5 lb textbook + laptop + 20 minute walk = terribly sore shoulder.

I need a massage like now.

my feet hurt.

why are shoes so difficult to deal with? I wish sometimes I could just always go barefoot, that would be easy....

I am dying.

I just feel crazy sick today.

I also feel weird about Kyle. it feels for some reason like he doesn't want to spend time with me.
And I know he does. He spent all morning with me and was going to try his best to be here later today. He can't.
Now he won't text much, but I get that's because he doesn't have unlimited texts. He has to watch that limit.
I don't know why it feels like he doesn't like me when I know 100% that isn't true.
I'll see him tomorrow. And I spent all last night with him. Why isn't that good enough?

because he just texted me saying he isn't sure he'll be able to hang out with me tomorrow.
is there something wrong with me?

work work work

Got out of McDonald's early today, which means more time to focus on finishing up this online internship I'm doing.
I need to write 3 articles by tomorrow.
So close. 2 done, 4 hours till bed.
I got this.

but damn do my hands hurt.

More dentist fun

By fun I mean not fun at all.
2 shots, more drilling, but my teeth finally look good and I think that it's done.
...except one of the veneers feels loose now.

ugh

ugh

Look, it's been a long day at work, my schedule's all fucked up, and I don't want to talk to anyone, including an imaginary blog audience.

so fuck you very much today.

Oh.

I'm talking to Mike again today and it is really hard.
I just want to scream at him WHY AREN'T I GOOD ENOUGH?
but I'm restraining myself.

I did finally ask him why he dumped me right before finals. I don't feel like sharing the answer, but I'm satisfied with it.
I miss him, and I miss having a boyfriend, but I'm at a point where I don't miss him as a boyfriend. I think it's a good point to be at, but it still really sucks.

I want to stop crying.

Coughing annoys me

Sometimes I have to wonder if other people are like this too or if I'm just weird.
I cannot stand the sound of someone coughing.
It makes me cringe and makes me want to scream at them to stop. I know they can't, but I can't handle the noise either.

In other news, my mouth hurts because I got veneers replaced on my teeth today. 8 shots of novocaine. lucky me.

I'm stupid

Thanks for making me feel like an idiot, Mike.
Thanks for dumping me two weeks before finals, because I'm not worth waiting those two weeks when I was leaving for home anyways.
Thanks for making me think that I'm a useless piece of crap and no one will ever love me again.
Thanks for telling me I'm not enough for you. Who am I enough for, then?
Thanks for leaving me and forgetting about me. Two years means nothing to you, I get it.

I really hope you're happy, because I'm a fucking mess.

ugh

Mike continues to email me.
I had to tell him to stop. Hearing from him was hurting too much. I started hoping that maybe he still really loved me and I can't let myself think that.

Work today was long and I'm tired, but I managed to catch up on all the things I needed to do so I'm good.

Today is talking about a site I have favorited again? okay.

http://www.marieclaire.com/celebrity-lifestyle/articles/livingalonerecipes
This site's got a bunch of recipes to cook for one person, which clearly I need a lot of now.
Except not because I cook for my parents too, but sometimes it can be kind of fun to be cynical, you know?

So tired

Got called into work, now my feet hurt and I'm exhausted.

Got my mind off Mike though. until right now.

Work again

My work schedule won't get straight. Now the day I had gotten added to the schedule, I'm not working.
what the f.
Okay, whatever, just means time to sleep, yeah?

Today I thought about Mike a lot. I thought I was getting better, but now I feel like I would literally change everything about myself if it meant getting him back.
I miss him so much.
I want someone else. I don't want to keep being alone. But it feels like I'll never want anyone else, and no one else will ever want me. I'm completely worthless because I'm not good enough for Mike.

At some points I do know the only thing wrong with me is that I keep thinking that.
it just bugs me that he didn't have a reason for dumping me. Can you really just fall out of love with someone and stop caring?
I know he doesn't care because he hasn't talked to me. I haven't talked to him because I'm giving him space. I also needed some time to fall out of love with him (apparently more time than this) and adjust to seeing him just as a friend.
But he didn't need that time. He already doesn't love me, as much as that hurts to say (and to be honest, he never actually said it. I asked him to, because I needed to hear it, but he wouldn't say it. I don't want to read into that, but I am glad now he didn't say it because if he had it would have been repeating in my head forever).
So if he doesn't need the time to get over me, if he already just sees me as a friend, why won't he talk to me?
The only answer I have is that he doesn't see me as a friend. I'm nothing to him. He's forgotten about me or hates me so much for whatever reason that he doesn't want to talk to me.
And I don't mean a big "hey let's talk about how much you hurt me" kind of drama. I'm getting a new phone (because mine broke) and I want to just tell him that, because I know that's the kind of thing he cares about. I'm scared to tell him anything, even that minor, because he will not talk to me and I don't know why.
This was the thing I was most scared of happening.

It's taking a huge amount of effort not to stalk him on Facebook. I'm scared he's already moved on and is with some other girl already. She's probably a total slut.

I'm watching all these Lifetime movies about girls who go crazy when they're rejected or dumped. And I keep finding myself sympathizing with the crazy chick.

If I'm a phoenix, how much more do I have to die before I can finally get to that rebirth?

Article: 9gag.com

Since it's Thursday, here's another article for that stupid website that I worked for a week for didn't accept.
There's a lot of 'for's in that sentence. huh.

9gag.com. Called the new 4chan by some, called not quite as big a cesspool as 4chan but has some funny memes by others.

So what is it? Basically, 9gag is an image sharing site. Users post funny pictures, which get comments and likes. If an image is good enough, it goes from the voting page to the trending page to the hot page. It’s the goal of many users to get their images on the hot page.

The jokes on 9gag are not politically correct and not family friendly. The jokes are often misogynistic, and sometimes homophobic or racist. On the other hand, there are often pictures on 9gag which show beautiful places in the world, detail acts of kindness from random people, and share interesting information. These posts tend to be so good that they’re worth all the bad jokes.

And let’s be honest, sometimes the misogynistic jokes are pretty funny. (but I will be clear here that I speak for myself and not all females)

9gag is the site that raised the popularity of Nutella and introduced the world to Extremely Photogenic Guy. Posters on the site spread awareness of SOPA and PIPA and helped stop these acts. Among all the sometimes offensive jokes, the 9gag users are in general good people who have changed the world in small and big ways.

If you haven’t checked out 9gag yet, you should give it a try. It’s addictive and you can spend hours on the site without noticing. But remember: 9gag is just for fun.

and news about me? Got my McDonald's job back, and I have another community theater audition tonight. Things are looking good.

But I really feel like crap. Today is one of those days that it just hurts so bad. I know bad days will happen, and good days will happen, but that doesn't console me during a bad day.

UGH

I'm stuck going back to McDonald's.
I don't want to do this.
I may end up refusing the job just because I really do not want to do this.

still in pain

this pain from the hiking just won't go away.
Just like the pain in my heaaart

No I don't want to be that dramatic. My legs and shoulders just hurt a lot.

Today I got a prize from a contest that I'd entered a long time ago. Or I should say, I got the package for the prize. It was empty.

My day hasn't gotten better since then.

So in my attempt to bring structure to my whining, I think I'm going to share a random (read: one that I've favorited at some point) website or page on Mondays.
That totally makes sense, right? It doesn't seem like I thought of it thirty seconds ago?

First one: http://forkableblog.com/?p=908

I never made these, but I always wanted to try.
I also never watched Dexter. Tried watching the first few episodes with Mike, but couldn't really get into them. It's an interesting premise, though. I did like the books.
But I haven't read the 4th one because I was borrowing them from Mike.

I really hope we can get to the point where I can borrow books from him again.

So sore

Today was another brony meetup. it was fun but I am so sore from that hike yesterday.

It's actually really hard just to sit up and type this, so this will be an excessively short blog today.

I didn't meet any new guys today, boo. I was kind of hoping that I would. But I will be lending my voice to some pony videos, so at least I'm trying something new, working with guys. just not ones I'm interested in. I guess it's good practice to be able to talk to guys?

I'm really in a lot of pain. Tylenol wore off and my sunburn and bug bites are bothering me. So that's it for today.

tired

Today I hiked up Mt Monadnock with a brony meetup group.
The guy leading the group said it was an easy hike. He lied.
Didn't make it to the top, but did make it about 2100 feet. 5 miles altogether.

I didn't think about Mike a lot, and did get to flirt with new guys. (3 of them carried my backpack for me at various times.)
I don't really know any of them well enough now to pursue anything but it was fun to flirt.

Also, OW. so much pain from the hiking.

Auditions are a scary kind of fun.

Yesterday's audition went pretty well, and also horribly.
I thought I did well. I wasn't called to read very much though, and it was pretty clear who the directors liked.
I'm not that experienced and I'm pretty sure it shows.
But I didn't flub a single line in my monologue or the cold reads, didn't show that I was nervous, and I could feel that I had that ubiquitous stage presence.

I'll know by the end of this week.

Today is another audition. This one requires singing and dancing, so I may not do as well. It'll be fun to try though.


Last night I dreamed that I was hanging out with Mike and I was being good, just trying to be friends, but then he kissed me all of a sudden and told me that he still loved me. That he'd made a mistake.

It hurts a little less now that I've been awake for a while and the dream is fading. But I can still feel that kiss.