So here's what happened. A meetup was posted today in New York on a weekend I'm going back for Kyle's birthday.
I realized, he's probably going.
I realized, he probably won't tell me until after I've bought the bus tickets.
Then I realized if I press him, I could know earlier, and then I could maybe go too.
Then, the thought came to me that I just don't fit in with New York bronies. Would I like to spend a weekend in NY with my boyfriend? hell yeah! but they're his friends and they're not my friends.
Different friend groups is why Mike and I broke up. or at least part of the reason. I think.
I wondered for a moment if this is why I was trying so hard to be on Bronycon staff. Might have been, and I do realize that's not a good reason. Of course Kyle can have his own friends, I shouldn't try to weasel my way in on that.
Besides, I'm working on a con for GHL. I'm busy enough as it is.
So I decided you know what, I should let that go. No more trying to be on staff, I'll let that be.
And then I realized that if I don't get on staff (which I'll be honest! it was a long shot anyways) or even volunteer (which I can't because I'd be working under Kyle, and that's not a good situation) I won't be able to afford going to bronycon, which is kind of a huge deal.
which then led me to thinking that I am going to be cut off as soon as I graduate and not be able to afford anything anymore
and now I want to cry
kyle's probably going to find some other girl in new york
why would he want someone as neurotic as me