Thursday, August 30, 2012

why do I suck?

Trying to plan a party, but can't get ahold of people I want to go to it.

so that's. frustrating.
it's going to be the last time I see Kyle before I go back to school, too, so it has to happen.

but if I don't see him? I think I'll be okay.
He told me that he loves me last night.
We're going to try to have skype dates when we can.
I'm going to miss him so much, but I think we'll be okay.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

this weekend.

Altogether, 2s2d was a giant success.
100+ attendees, 14 people in the costume contest. Everyone had fun.

things were absolutely crazy behind the scenes, but that's not something to talk about on a public blog. To the attendees, everything went great! so that's the important part.

anyone up for 3 seasons, 2 days?

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Tuesday, August 21, 2012


The con took all weekend which is why I haven't blogged in a few days. but it was an awesome fun time.

The panels were good, the gaming was fun, I met some cool new people.

And I saw Mike again. Wasn't so bad, actually. We ended up hanging out a bit and I felt very little towards him. Some anger, some hoping that he's doing okay, but no sort of romance or lust. Just okay, he's there, we're friends.
We really are friends. feels good to say that. feels good to really know that.

Although, I did slap him. I had to.
It felt /good/.

Thursday, August 16, 2012


Cramps suck.
Cramps mean I have to work 7 hours in pain, come home and do more work in more pain.
Yoga helped slightly, and yay exercise, but OMG CRAMPS.

Cramps, and the accompanying nasty period, do mean one very important thing, however: I am not pregnant!
So yeah, yesterday's blog can be 100% ignorrrred

Tomorrow is Pi-Con! All weekend is Pi-Con!

and then Saturday/Sunday is seeing Mike again. I don't have a plan to see him, but I know he'll be there and it's a small convention.

I hope I don't cry.
...I'm going to cry.

I did love him. I can't honestly say now that I don't, but it's different. Kyle is the guy for me now, and I'm really happy with him. But Mike was important to me, and I do miss him. It will be undoubtedly hard to see him again.

I've been emailing him and it's been okay. But idk how seeing him will go.

That's maybe why I'm so stressed lately.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012


Here's the thing.
Every single month, I worry about my period being late.
Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. I'm under quite a bit of stress right now and that's going to make it worse.
but I'm going to worry.
It's going to come, I'm sure of it.
but the worry is still there.

I just want it to come and leave already.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Today I went to work and it was long and it sucked.

Then went shopping for a bit. I like shopping, it's fun. It's an expensive habit unfortunately.

Then visited Kyle. He gave me a massage because I was dying in pain, and it felt so good. We cuddled and watched TV.
it was weirdly like how I used to be with Mike. Down to the same TV show we used to watch together, actually. American Dad.
But it didn't feel anything like how it was with Mike. with Mike it was familiar and comfortable and a bit boring. with Kyle, every part of my body that touches his is electrified and I pay more attention to feeling his heartbeat and his breath than I do to the show.
That sounds weird now...
but the point is, Mike was background for me. I liked him being there, but he could have been replaced by any warm body to snuggle with.
Kyle is Kyle. He's irreplaceable.

came home, tried on my costume again. I'm a pretty pretty princess!

Monday, August 13, 2012

Bad bad bad day

I don't feel like going through all this again, I'll just copy/paste what I wrote to Kyle.

[5:43:33 PM] just.steph: I'm gonna talk at you anyways. I cried at work today.
[5:44:18 PM] just.steph: I have one manager who I hate working with because he doesn't even try to talk to me. He gets my attention by snapping his fingers and then just kind of waves at whatever I'm supposed to take care of. And then he yells at me when I inevitably mess up whatever I was doing because I didn't understand him in the first place!
[5:45:43 PM] just.steph: and then I get home and try to work on my stuff and my computer breaks. it's an easy fix but I made the mistake of whining in mane chat and that set off Perry, and that is why I'm now gone from there.
[5:46:52 PM] just.steph: and on top of this, I feel fat today. doesn't help any.
[5:48:55 PM] just.steph: and there was a bit of good news-my article for a website people have actually heard of was accepted with minimal corrections. I can keep writing for this site and get paid up to $50 per article. it's really worth it. but among all the crap, it feels like even if I told people about this, no one would care.

Of course, Kyle hasn't responded to any of this. because he's tired from his own long day. I understand that and I'll let him be without bugging him any more than all that up there. but it'd still be nice to get a bit of sympathy from him. or from anyone.
instead my parents just ignore me because I'm apparently whining and they can't stand to listen to me.

Sunday, August 12, 2012


I don't even know anymore!

I'm not caring about this blog, but I don't want to give it up. Eventually I'll want to come back to it.

Why can't I go on and write big long posts about things that happened during my day?

You know what? let's do that.

Today started with a meetup I was running at Kimball Farms. but I was soooo not in the mood to meet up with anyone but Kyle because I was in a crappy mood. so I left. I do feel bad but I had a good time with Kyle and they had a good time without me.

I drove way too far to get to Kyle, because he was at another friend's house. We hung out there for a while watching crazy kids shows. Also talked some bronycon stuff which I won't repeat here because honestly I don't think I'm supposed to know it.

And then I drove Kyle back to his dorm, except halfway back he realized he left his phone and ID so we had to turn around again. and then, got lost. and this ate up my gas all so much, but it was time to talk to Kyle. and apologize for being so clingy.

still can't confess that I love him. I will, eventually. before I go back to school at least. I hope I can manage to say it. I keep trying and the words just keep not coming out.

then I came home. Tried on my costume that mom's making for me. I was going to make it but time constraints didn't let me, so mom spent all weekend working on it. I really am grateful, and it looks really great.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

I am dying.

I just feel crazy sick today.

I also feel weird about Kyle. it feels for some reason like he doesn't want to spend time with me.
And I know he does. He spent all morning with me and was going to try his best to be here later today. He can't.
Now he won't text much, but I get that's because he doesn't have unlimited texts. He has to watch that limit.
I don't know why it feels like he doesn't like me when I know 100% that isn't true.
I'll see him tomorrow. And I spent all last night with him. Why isn't that good enough?

because he just texted me saying he isn't sure he'll be able to hang out with me tomorrow.
is there something wrong with me?

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I'm sweaty.

I just finished working out. now I'm sweaty.

I'm tired. bleh.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Sing a song.

Singing has always been fantastic therapy for me.
It forces you to concentrate on your breathing, which is that classic method of getting people to calm down.
On top of that, if you're singing a happy song, you have to smile. You can't not.
Getting into character to sing a song is also really fun and helpful. Be someone else for a while and your own problems stop mattering.

Monday, August 6, 2012

I don't even know today

Last night Kyle was driving for hours through a storm, and kind of implied while texting me (not texting while driving-he was a passenger) that he wasn't going to make it.

But he's okay now and that is a GIANT relief.
According to other people who were in the car with him, he was actually terrified and just exaggerated, but it was a bad storm.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Goodbye time

I miss having free time.
I had a day off from work or friends for the first time in probably about a month.
And I still didn't get all my shit done.

Maybe it'll be better when I go back to school. Instead of spending 8 hours a day working, it'll be more like 5. I know, homework takes a long time, but I'm much more prepared to handle that.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

uuuuugh long day

So I didn't blog yesterday because I spent the night with Kyle.
I love spending time with him. a lot.
I got a bit clingy today at the meetup which I feel kind of bad about. but he seems okay with it.

Thursday, August 2, 2012


I spent the afternoon crying and helping Kyle pack.

wow, sounds like he's moving far away, doesn't it? no. he's going to a different dorm.

The crying was a little bit him, mostly someone else. It's SO MUCH DRAMA and I can't even talk about it.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Parasprite Infestation.

Look, some people who never read this will know what I'm talking about when I say we need to stop our Perry-sprite infestation