Obama wins!

Now I don't have to move to Canada.

better

I didn't spend money today woohoo

also, it's looking like the class I need may be moved and all problems are okay.

Life isn't ruined.

Bad things today

As it turns out, I may not be able to finish my creative writing class.
I'm not okay with this. It's devastating. This is my favorite class and I was extremely lucky to get in it.
I don't know how I'll manage that last semester if I don't have it.

but it's looking like it's either drop it or wait another year to graduate.

Long day

I'm really sick of all my classes. All of them, even the writing ones.
How long till the semester's over?
6 weeks.
Only 3.5 weeks of classes though.

Okay, maybe I can handle it.
How many times do I get to go home and/or see Kyle over those 6 weeks?
At least 3. Maybe 4.
That's not bad.

Games and Storms

I joined Steam today. Not sure how well I like it so far though.
And there was supposedly the big hurricane today! Nothing happened.

too much work

Today I am just tired.
So many classes and so much work and I'm really getting burned out.
Does it get easier after this, or harder?

hopefully whatever job I get when I graduate won't require me to be working from 11am to 11pm.
I just have SO MUCH to do!
2 days to write a paper ggagargane;gjanre;gjbar;iojrbagikanegbjar e kfgrafgj

things and stuff

My blog posts aren't creative anymore.

I turned down a job today, because it was a lot of work for not a lot pay, and it just all felt fishy.

did I do the right thing?

dreams

I had a bizarre dream about Kyle last night that today is just throwing me off.
it would be better if I could talk to him, but knowing him, he won't be online for a while.

pie yum.

I made a pie today.
in an hour and a half I'll know how good it is.

I hope it's delicious.

Ponies!

I spent so much money on pony stuff today, but I had fun with some new brony people, so it was worth it.

Also, I finished Kyle's birthday present! it looks super good.

I am feeling really happy with my life now.

Migraines suck

My head has been pounding since yesterday.
sensitive to light and loud noises, and just constantly hungry.
Did you know hunger was a migraine symptom? I didn't. but apparently it is!

It's already a lot better than it was yesterday, but I'm still not feeling great today.
tomorrow will hopefully be better.

PAIN

God my head hurts so bad.
I was stuck in a tiny unventilated room with games club people.
and some of them were painting miniatures in there.

you do not open paints in an unventilated room goddamit

I just wrote about fonts for a full hour

workworkworkwork
Kyle is a nice guy. He's being really sweet to me lately when I'm whining about shit.
I wish I knew more what was going on with him though. He doesn't talk much about himself.

Guys just don't really do that, though, it seems. He listens to me, and he knows I'll listen to him if he wants to talk about whatever. So that's good enough.

Sneezy

I hate sneezing.
Why am I sneezing so much lately?
ACHOO

craaaaaaaaaaamps

Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamps

also I got kicked out of a singing contest today and that makes me a sad.

I'm not good at this.

if I actually remembered to blog every single day, would I have more readers?
or do I need longer posts?

or advertising might be helpful.

today.

mmm it's a day.
Working on Kyle's birthday present. it's more difficult than anticipated but it's still good.

home again, home again

I went home for the weekend. it was a good weekend.
I spent some time with brony people, some time with family, and a lot of time with Kyle. I like Kyle time.

I think that somehow, this long distance thing really is working. So I can only see him a couple times a month. We're both so busy that the time's flying by.
And we talk enough that it's okay. I don't need him around to know that he cares.

I'm okay.

Today sucked.

I'm neurotic.

So here's what happened. A meetup was posted today in New York on a weekend I'm going back for Kyle's birthday.
I realized, he's probably going.
I realized, he probably won't tell me until after I've bought the bus tickets.

Then I realized if I press him, I could know earlier, and then I could maybe go too.

Then, the thought came to me that I just don't fit in with New York bronies. Would I like to spend a weekend in NY with my boyfriend? hell yeah! but they're his friends and they're not my friends.
Different friend groups is why Mike and I broke up. or at least part of the reason. I think.

I wondered for a moment if this is why I was trying so hard to be on Bronycon staff. Might have been, and I do realize that's not a good reason. Of course Kyle can have his own friends, I shouldn't try to weasel my way in on that.
Besides, I'm working on a con for GHL. I'm busy enough as it is.
So I decided you know what, I should let that go. No more trying to be on staff, I'll let that be.

And then I realized that if I don't get on staff (which I'll be honest! it was a long shot anyways) or even volunteer (which I can't because I'd be working under Kyle, and that's not a good situation) I won't be able to afford going to bronycon, which is kind of a huge deal.

which then led me to thinking that I am going to be cut off as soon as I graduate and not be able to afford anything anymore

and now I want to cry


kyle's probably going to find some other girl in new york
why would he want someone as neurotic as me

Today

Today isn't over quite yet. But I finished my stuff up early enough to be able to write this post early.



so today will be interesting. Playtesting MLP Fluxx in ghl tonight.
Firefox's spellcheck recognized only two of those words.

Long long long day

Backpack + 5 lb textbook + laptop + 20 minute walk = terribly sore shoulder.

I need a massage like now.

things and stuff.

Yesterday wasn't too interesting, neither was today.

I got toys. for Kyle.

I'm doing okay in classes.

Honestly I just want to finish up this post and get back to watching Serenity.

Things happened today!

This morning I woke up ridiculously early due to a fire alarm.
Turned out someone left an iron on.

Then I went shopping with Robyn.
I got pony stuff.
I didn't get things I knew Kyle wanted so I kind of feel bad, but I really couldn't afford to just give him a present.

it's cold today

rain rain go away
come again another day

So tired

Days like this I just want to cuddle up with a book and a boyfriend and stop thinking about my life.

but I can't.

It's not that anything's really wrong, it's just...busy. And I'm tired of being busy.

okay then

The Perry drama has come full circle.

I can't say everything, but yeah, Perry left our group.


I really hope he isn't reading this.

Going home!

Tomorrow, I get to go to the Big E.
Then I go home.
And then I see Kyle!

yay!

Today is a day.

Today I went to classes and ditched out on a meeting I was supposed to go to because I just did NOT feel like doing it.
If I had to, I would have, but I didn't have to.

keeping up

I'm thinking about making a post every other day instead of daily.
My life just isn't interesting anymore.

well, I'll give it some time.

Early post today

I try to get a post done every day after I get the things I need to get done out of the way.
I finished all that early.
It feels nice.

I'm more social today and missing people less. Although I still miss my friends, and Kyle, it doesn't hurt as bad as it did.

Get off my blog, Perry.

I'll address this to the other imaginary readers, when I know Perry's the only one reading it.

So Perry is this guy in my group of friends who is, to be blunt, a creeper.
He Google stalks everyone in our group for no apparent reason, which makes him more creepy.

Yesterday, he found out about the existence of this blog. I trust that since then, he's been on an epic quest to find me.
Which shouldn't be hard because he knows my Google account name? but if he'd found it by now I bet he would have said something.
Also he doesn't know what I use for a blogging platform. If he thinks I have a tumblr, well, sucks for his search.

The thing is, Perry knows I don't like him.
So I don't want him reading my blog. I mean, it's like my diary now, and he has no sense of privacy.

I'm so lonely.

I miss my friends back home.
I know at this point it's only one year, and then I'm pretty much going to be Boston fulltime. That's my plan, anyways.
But it still hurts a lot.
I feel like there's no one to talk to about random things.
There's no one who cares about my professors being anti sci-fi, which is usually one of my favorite rants.
I've talked enough about Kyle, but I miss him so bad too. If he has time for video games, why does he never have time for a skype call?

I'm sick of crying.
 It's 3 weeks until I go home for a visit. That's a long time.

I just want to reach out to someone and say make me less lonely. Ideally, yeah, Kyle, but he's not here right now.
No one's here right now.

Perry since chances are you've found this blog by now and are my only reader at the moment, maybe you'll talk to me. Even though I really don't want to be friends with you, talking to you is at least better than being so totally alone.

sweat.

I just did some exercise and it wasn't too fun, but I needed it.
Now to make some pizza for dinner!

I don't like long days.

My days are just long and tiring now and to be honest I'm sick of that.
I want to sleep in and do nothing.

Well tomorrow a big bunch of nothing is coming. Looking forward to it!

things are getting okay.

I got my homework done (although tomorrow's is looking INSANE) and I have things done.
I'm on track.

Plus I had some Kyle time.

I miss him but talking to him is good.

blargh.

Blaaaaargh!

my feet hurt.

why are shoes so difficult to deal with? I wish sometimes I could just always go barefoot, that would be easy....

hm.

Today I went into town and it rained hard, I got soaked.
My roommate made cookies and they were awesome.
And now I'm going to make some dinner tonight that I hope will be awesome.
And as I type, I'm listening to people judge my voice.
gonna wait to see what they say before I post.
I've been judged on the quality of my recording! thanks. talk about the singing.

oh, well they like me, and I am in an actual singing contest now.
no money, fame or fortune. just a little bit of internet recognition.

tired and sore.

Today I didn't do so much busy stuff, but I kept pretty busy.
Applied for a writing job. Worked for my other writing job. Just did pilates. And I'm making dinner tonight.
And now I finally finally! get some Kyle time.
well virtual Kyle time, he's still not here. obviously. but he will be maybe eventually!

little less busy.

I got the best rejection letter yet for my novel.
Basically it was the premise is really good, but the writing needs work.
Okay, I can improve the writing. I'm always improving with writing. I will totally work on this.

Also, I wasn't in class till fuckoclock at night, and I got a free dinner. Good day!

so tired

apparently, Tuesdays and Wednesdays will both be super long days.
I miss talking to Kyle. we haven't had time to talk in a while.

classes are hard!

I'm honestly just super tired now.
Left my apartment around 2ish, just now getting back at 10:30.
this will not be a normal thing, but I can expect a lot of time away from my apartment...good thing I can at least take my laptop with me, so I can get homework and stuff done!

I miss my friends. and Kyle. and people.

back at school.

It's bizarre being back. The apartment is different and new and weird. but it's starting to be okay

I like my roommates. and I'm excited for classes.

and I know that there's a guy waiting back home who loves me. I can 100% trust that he's waiting.
and that's good.

why do I suck?

Trying to plan a party, but can't get ahold of people I want to go to it.

so that's. frustrating.
it's going to be the last time I see Kyle before I go back to school, too, so it has to happen.

but if I don't see him? I think I'll be okay.
He told me that he loves me last night.
We're going to try to have skype dates when we can.
I'm going to miss him so much, but I think we'll be okay.

this weekend.

Altogether, 2s2d was a giant success.
100+ attendees, 14 people in the costume contest. Everyone had fun.

things were absolutely crazy behind the scenes, but that's not something to talk about on a public blog. To the attendees, everything went great! so that's the important part.

anyone up for 3 seasons, 2 days?

AAAAAEGAEKLGNAREKNSA

FUCK CON IN TWO DAYS WHY AM I BLOGGING NO TIME FUCKFUCKFUCK

fffffff

EVERYONE IS IGNORING MEEEEEE

Pi-Con!

The con took all weekend which is why I haven't blogged in a few days. but it was an awesome fun time.

The panels were good, the gaming was fun, I met some cool new people.

And I saw Mike again. Wasn't so bad, actually. We ended up hanging out a bit and I felt very little towards him. Some anger, some hoping that he's doing okay, but no sort of romance or lust. Just okay, he's there, we're friends.
We really are friends. feels good to say that. feels good to really know that.

Although, I did slap him. I had to.
It felt /good/.

OW.

Cramps.
Cramps suck.
Cramps mean I have to work 7 hours in pain, come home and do more work in more pain.
Yoga helped slightly, and yay exercise, but OMG CRAMPS.

Cramps, and the accompanying nasty period, do mean one very important thing, however: I am not pregnant!
So yeah, yesterday's blog can be 100% ignorrrred

Tomorrow is Pi-Con! All weekend is Pi-Con!

and then Saturday/Sunday is seeing Mike again. I don't have a plan to see him, but I know he'll be there and it's a small convention.

I hope I don't cry.
...I'm going to cry.

I did love him. I can't honestly say now that I don't, but it's different. Kyle is the guy for me now, and I'm really happy with him. But Mike was important to me, and I do miss him. It will be undoubtedly hard to see him again.

I've been emailing him and it's been okay. But idk how seeing him will go.

That's maybe why I'm so stressed lately.

.

Here's the thing.
Every single month, I worry about my period being late.
Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. I'm under quite a bit of stress right now and that's going to make it worse.
but I'm going to worry.
It's going to come, I'm sure of it.
but the worry is still there.

I just want it to come and leave already.

Today I went to work and it was long and it sucked.

Then went shopping for a bit. I like shopping, it's fun. It's an expensive habit unfortunately.

Then visited Kyle. He gave me a massage because I was dying in pain, and it felt so good. We cuddled and watched TV.
it was weirdly like how I used to be with Mike. Down to the same TV show we used to watch together, actually. American Dad.
But it didn't feel anything like how it was with Mike. with Mike it was familiar and comfortable and a bit boring. with Kyle, every part of my body that touches his is electrified and I pay more attention to feeling his heartbeat and his breath than I do to the show.
That sounds weird now...
but the point is, Mike was background for me. I liked him being there, but he could have been replaced by any warm body to snuggle with.
Kyle is Kyle. He's irreplaceable.

came home, tried on my costume again. I'm a pretty pretty princess!

Bad bad bad day

I don't feel like going through all this again, I'll just copy/paste what I wrote to Kyle.

[5:43:33 PM] just.steph: I'm gonna talk at you anyways. I cried at work today.
[5:44:18 PM] just.steph: I have one manager who I hate working with because he doesn't even try to talk to me. He gets my attention by snapping his fingers and then just kind of waves at whatever I'm supposed to take care of. And then he yells at me when I inevitably mess up whatever I was doing because I didn't understand him in the first place!
[5:45:43 PM] just.steph: and then I get home and try to work on my stuff and my computer breaks. it's an easy fix but I made the mistake of whining in mane chat and that set off Perry, and that is why I'm now gone from there.
[5:46:52 PM] just.steph: and on top of this, I feel fat today. doesn't help any.
[5:48:55 PM] just.steph: and there was a bit of good news-my article for a website people have actually heard of was accepted with minimal corrections. I can keep writing for this site and get paid up to $50 per article. it's really worth it. but among all the crap, it feels like even if I told people about this, no one would care.

Of course, Kyle hasn't responded to any of this. because he's tired from his own long day. I understand that and I'll let him be without bugging him any more than all that up there. but it'd still be nice to get a bit of sympathy from him. or from anyone.
instead my parents just ignore me because I'm apparently whining and they can't stand to listen to me.

mmm.

I don't even know anymore!

I'm not caring about this blog, but I don't want to give it up. Eventually I'll want to come back to it.

Why can't I go on and write big long posts about things that happened during my day?

You know what? let's do that.

Today started with a meetup I was running at Kimball Farms. but I was soooo not in the mood to meet up with anyone but Kyle because I was in a crappy mood. so I left. I do feel bad but I had a good time with Kyle and they had a good time without me.

I drove way too far to get to Kyle, because he was at another friend's house. We hung out there for a while watching crazy kids shows. Also talked some bronycon stuff which I won't repeat here because honestly I don't think I'm supposed to know it.

And then I drove Kyle back to his dorm, except halfway back he realized he left his phone and ID so we had to turn around again. and then, got lost. and this ate up my gas all so much, but it was time to talk to Kyle. and apologize for being so clingy.

still can't confess that I love him. I will, eventually. before I go back to school at least. I hope I can manage to say it. I keep trying and the words just keep not coming out.

then I came home. Tried on my costume that mom's making for me. I was going to make it but time constraints didn't let me, so mom spent all weekend working on it. I really am grateful, and it looks really great.

I am dying.

I just feel crazy sick today.

I also feel weird about Kyle. it feels for some reason like he doesn't want to spend time with me.
And I know he does. He spent all morning with me and was going to try his best to be here later today. He can't.
Now he won't text much, but I get that's because he doesn't have unlimited texts. He has to watch that limit.
I don't know why it feels like he doesn't like me when I know 100% that isn't true.
I'll see him tomorrow. And I spent all last night with him. Why isn't that good enough?

because he just texted me saying he isn't sure he'll be able to hang out with me tomorrow.
is there something wrong with me?

Kyle

I think I'm in love.

I'm sweaty.

I just finished working out. now I'm sweaty.

I'm tired. bleh.

Sing a song.

Singing has always been fantastic therapy for me.
It forces you to concentrate on your breathing, which is that classic method of getting people to calm down.
On top of that, if you're singing a happy song, you have to smile. You can't not.
Getting into character to sing a song is also really fun and helpful. Be someone else for a while and your own problems stop mattering.

I don't even know today

Last night Kyle was driving for hours through a storm, and kind of implied while texting me (not texting while driving-he was a passenger) that he wasn't going to make it.

But he's okay now and that is a GIANT relief.
According to other people who were in the car with him, he was actually terrified and just exaggerated, but it was a bad storm.

Goodbye time

I miss having free time.
I had a day off from work or friends for the first time in probably about a month.
And I still didn't get all my shit done.

Maybe it'll be better when I go back to school. Instead of spending 8 hours a day working, it'll be more like 5. I know, homework takes a long time, but I'm much more prepared to handle that.

uuuuugh long day

So I didn't blog yesterday because I spent the night with Kyle.
I love spending time with him. a lot.
I got a bit clingy today at the meetup which I feel kind of bad about. but he seems okay with it.

hm.

I spent the afternoon crying and helping Kyle pack.

wow, sounds like he's moving far away, doesn't it? no. he's going to a different dorm.

The crying was a little bit him, mostly someone else. It's SO MUCH DRAMA and I can't even talk about it.

Parasprite Infestation.

Look, some people who never read this will know what I'm talking about when I say we need to stop our Perry-sprite infestation

I THOUGHT IT WAS A CLEVER PUN OKAY

awkwardness

Look, I do love my grandma, but sometimes it's extremely frustrating to have another person around and I can't be me.
I can't watch what I want on TV and I can't do my normal things.
and I can't just leave to do what I want because then I'm not "socializing".

Let's be honest, fucking socializing is the worst.

What now?

It feels weird, my internship being over and now I have a lot less to do.
I get paid in 2 days.

I got out of work an hour early. I like getting out of work early.

I have nothing to do and it's just. weird.

MIA

I unexpectedly lost internet this weekend.
hence the lack of posting.

in other news, spent the night with Kyle and it was a great night.

Stress melting away

Well part of the lack of stress is that my internship is over. I'm working on my online class, but that's much less to think about.
Part of it is things are good with Kyle and will stay good for a long while.
Part of it is I have a good dinner right here.
and part of it is just it's time to stop being stressed. At some point, you know, you have to stand up and say no, I'm not going to worry about this. I'll get everything done and I'll be awesome doing it.

I've said that.

work work work

Got out of McDonald's early today, which means more time to focus on finishing up this online internship I'm doing.
I need to write 3 articles by tomorrow.
So close. 2 done, 4 hours till bed.
I got this.

but damn do my hands hurt.

Abandoned!

I went to hang out with Kyle today. We had a whole evening together planned.
Then his friends (well also my friends, really, but they're closer with him) called up and invited him for a night out drinking.

I could have gone, they did invite me, but I had shit to do. But I still got my time in bed with Kyle and I got to have dinner with him.
of course the dinner was with Logan hanging around and they were talking about con stuff I'm not supposed to know about...

can I just say though, I've suddenly stumbled into having a place in the brony fandom. I'm dating one of the council members of Bronycon. And I...am not sure if I can say what else I'm doing. No one reads this blog. but just in case.

But yeah. it's cool having a spot. Maybe I'll eventually get to the point that people know who I am? Probably not. But I get to know some things before other people.

Not that I'll tell you.

today

Today was fun and then it wasn't fun.
I'm sick of my liiiife

Working for people

All I have to say about today is PEOPLE GIVE ME GAS MONEY. YOU OWE ME.

Today was long and great

I spent WAY too much money today ugh
but it was worth it. I got all the blindbag ponies.
I spent a lot of time with Kyle.
That was more worth it.

The next week is going to be a Kyle week.  I get to see him five days. :D

I don't know why I'm falling for him so much so fast, but it's a crazy ride and I'm loving every minute of this.

Today is sad.

Look normally I just whine about my life, but let's whine about something else today.

The Batman shooting. Is that what people are calling it? you know what I mean. The shooting at the premiere of the Batman movie.
It's sad. it's way more important than my work troubles. People are dead and while they know who did it, they don't know why.
Shooting always seems like a personal thing. It's murder, and you expect that the murderer has a connection with his victim.

But this time, this guy just shot randomly. Didn't know his victims. Didn't care.
That's gotta be hard for the families. Their loved one is dead and there is no reason.

when will I not be tired?

I'm guessing never again.

oh well. I'm an accomplished person now, really.
I manage to handle schoolwork (oh shit, forgot that, will be doing as soon as I finish this post) and actual work and con stuff and my own projects and keep deadlines.
It's a lot to do, but I'm managing it.
and keeping a boyfriend at the same time!

how? no sleep.

Bad Day Turned Good

I had a crap day.
No sleep, work was slow periods followed by crazy busy periods, got yelled at, then had three people drop out of a project I'm doing.

so I started venting to Kyle.
he invited me over.
He's amazing at making me feel better. he said I'm beautiful and sexy and it's great just knowing that he really likes me. for me.
And I really like him too. We work well together.

Anyways when I got back home, we had two new people joining the project and picking up the weight. Thank you new people!

and thank you Kyle. :)

All Work and No Pay

I haven't been to McDonald's for 4 days because I've been sick.
but I've been craaaazy busy.

This con better be fucking worth it is all I can say.

Today's website!
https://www.jasminejade.com/t-writerscircle.aspx
Submission guidelines for erotica. in the case I ever want to write erotica.
...which honestly I kind of do, just can't really make myself do it.

Mike found out about Kyle.
It's just. awkward.
But it shouldn't be. Mike and I are friends, and I'm really happy with Kyle.
It's not like I was keeping Kyle a secret.

Although Kyle doesn't really know I'm talking to Mike. I'm not exactly keeping that a secret either. It just hasn't come up in conversation.

Why do I feel kind of wrong about this? I don't have feelings for Mike anymore. I can say that completely honestly now.

I'm not good at remembering this

Life keeps happening and blog keeps being forgotten.

but it's been a busy weekend. Annette came over and we hung out and finished up her costume.
Kyle and I have been talking and flirting and I like having a boyfriend again.

Long day

Up at 5, blogging at 10:30.
I worked 8 hours, drove into Boston then all over the North Shore hunting for ponies.
Did not find ponies.
Sad.

Annette's here and we're hanging out. That's a fun time.

Boyfriend~

Kyle is officially my boyfriend now!
yaaaaay

so yeah, I'm in a good mood.

What do I do with this blog now? It was intended to chronicle getting over Mike, and now I've moved on already.

I'm gonna keep going. Who knows if this turns out to be a rebound or what.

More dentist fun

By fun I mean not fun at all.
2 shots, more drilling, but my teeth finally look good and I think that it's done.
...except one of the veneers feels loose now.

ugh

Back to Canobie

Today I went back to Canobie.
Was not as fun without friends.
I like my family, but eh. if I'd gone with just my cousins probably would've been more fun.

blegh

I don't know what to think today. Haven't heard from Kyle at all.
:(

I'm telling myself that you know, he works, he's not feeling well, he has a million reasons for not being online. And it's not like he's ignoring me--he's not talking to anyone.

He's never been too talkative before. I just thought maybe since we are a something now? he'd at least say hi.

He did say yesterday that I didn't have to worry about losing him. We've been talking about things we're doing together in the future. There's no sign of our something ending.

Why can't I stop thinking about him?

I'm not so lonely anymore.

Um...I didn't post yesterday.
Why? because I have a new guy. His name is Kyle, and apparently he's liked me since I met him over a month ago at my first brony meetup. He's amazing.
We're dating now, but not exactly a couple yet.

he's just great.

I'm happy.

ugh

Look, it's been a long day at work, my schedule's all fucked up, and I don't want to talk to anyone, including an imaginary blog audience.

so fuck you very much today.

Long day at work.

Today was a crazy busy and crazy long day.
I'm getting better about Mike though. I'm still thinking about him, but not all the time, and it hurts a lot less.

There's still times when I just start crying over him, but they're a lot fewer now.

Happy 4th!

It's the 4th of July and I've been up since 6.
My feet hurt. :(

but I'm in a pretty good mood.

Yesterday my cousin proclaimed that Mike is a "buttnugget" and that is totally something I agree with.

Family!

I've got family coming to visit today and I'm excited.
So yeah.

Cried over Mike today, but in a pretty good mood now.

Long day

I got to leave work 2 hours early today. Means I got to do more during the day, but somehow that made the day a lot longer.

I've been missing Mike again. idk if I'll stop missing him.

I went to grab a new site from my favorites list for this weekly thing that I remembered to do today, and turns out that the site I had favorited was Mike's wishlist on ThinkGeek.
I used to buy him stuff from there a lot. it was fun giving him things.
I deleted it from my favorites.

So today's actual site:
http://iheartnymuseums.com/
I'm not a New Yorker. Not even at heart. But I want to be. I want to walk through the streets like it's no big deal and ride the subway everywhere, piss stink and all. But I only get to visit the city maybe twice a year at most.
This site shows a lot of things that I'd like to see in New York that aren't the typical touristy things. But some are.
And not gonna lie, I love being a tourist too.

Shopping

Went shopping today.
Got a lot of skimpy lingerie type stuff.
It was nice that I wasn't even wondering if Mike would have liked it. I just bought what I liked.

A day off is wonderful.

I haven't slept much today tbh. But I've gotten ahead on so much that I wanted to do, so I'm in a good mood.

but rushing off to a movie now so short post today!

emails

I had this post all set to go about how today sucked at work and I'm tired and blah.

Then right before I started typing, Mike emailed me.

He sent me the lyrics to the Beaver Song from HIMYM. He is a dork.
and I realized. I don't really have him around anymore, but I haven't totally lost him. I still have him emailing me about things we both find funny.

Now all I have to do is not be in love with that dork and I'll be good.
easier said than done.

Busy busy busy

THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO AND SO LITTLE TIME TO DO IT IN
WHY DO I HAVE TO WORK SO MUCH

Why am I doing this?

I've been keeping this blog up for almost two months now, and I've only gotten one comment.

To be fair, I have no good idea of how long a blog takes to get off the ground.

I don't want to drop everything and be a full-time blogger (although skipping out on McDonald's would be fantastic) but I do want to feel like I'm not alone when I'm whining about missing Mike or how much my job sucks or how I have no time to do anything.

But the fact is right now I am alone. I just don't want to be.

So, the question's back: why do I continue blogging? Half the time I forget about it and post something lazy and short.

There's no answer that I can think of. I just know I have no plans to stop.

I'm writing about a journey of getting over my first love. That journey isn't over. I cried about him just a few hours ago. Okay, I was listening to Adele, so that didn't help, but still.

That journey may never be over. Who knows?

I'm not good with schedules okay

Yesterday was website day.

http://www.myfridgefood.com/

A cool site that gives you the answer when you're staring in your fridge and don't know what to eat. Put in what you have, and get a recipe!


and as for me today? I'm okay, but tired.

Oh.

I'm talking to Mike again today and it is really hard.
I just want to scream at him WHY AREN'T I GOOD ENOUGH?
but I'm restraining myself.

I did finally ask him why he dumped me right before finals. I don't feel like sharing the answer, but I'm satisfied with it.
I miss him, and I miss having a boyfriend, but I'm at a point where I don't miss him as a boyfriend. I think it's a good point to be at, but it still really sucks.

I want to stop crying.

Meetup day!

I ran a meetup today and it was fun times.
Went to Kimball Farms, met a bunch of people, got ice cream, and played minigolf and arcade games.
Lost terribly at all the games, still had fun.
Saw some bees and didn't freak out! woohoo!

Brought everyone back to my house and we played some DDR, watched ponies.

It's been a good day.

Bronies are cool people.

Went to a meetup today. It was just a meeting to hang out, eat pizza and drink cider, and watch an episode. Plus we sang pony songs.

I'm tired now but it was a good day.

Talked to a guy. That was fun.

So very tired now. Maybe I should move blogging to earlier in the day? I'm always too tired to blog.

I don't know

I don't feel like blogging today.

A customer threw money at me. Like, not just down on the counter, literally hurled coins at my face.

It did not put me  in a good mood.

Long day

Today has been long but okay.
I've thought about Mike, I've been stuck in the kitchen at work, I'm behind on my stuff, friend drama, and things all happen.
But I'm okay. I got nothing to complain about (except the heat). I have the honest sense that even though today wasn't perfect, things are going to get better. Soon.

Coughing annoys me

Sometimes I have to wonder if other people are like this too or if I'm just weird.
I cannot stand the sound of someone coughing.
It makes me cringe and makes me want to scream at them to stop. I know they can't, but I can't handle the noise either.

In other news, my mouth hurts because I got veneers replaced on my teeth today. 8 shots of novocaine. lucky me.

I'm good.

Today is the first day in a long time that I have really felt good.
Maybe that hypnosis yesterday worked? idk.

Oh yeah, I got hypnotized yesterday.
I'm trying to get over my fear of bees/general anxiety.
The anxiety is less today, despite still waking up at 5 and not having my computer all okay. So maybe I'm okay.

Bad Day

1. woke up at 5
2. worked with the manager that I don't really like too much
3. worked 8 hours
4. bought a drink on my break and had it thrown away before I was done
5. found out my computer sucks and one of my programs has stopped working
6. the only way to repair it may be to install a new os
7. this made me had a panic attack

but everything is somehow okay now

website day:  http://4hcomic.com/?p=104
I get bingo almost every discussion now.

Tired.

I want to wake up without an alarm clock again and it will be two weeks until I do so.
Sleep is my best friend.

Today was all work and ugh tired

Somtimes I don't like being a girl.

Went to a brony meetup today. Only girl there.
This is not an unusual thing.

What was unusual was some of the guys were blatantly staring at me the whole time. Sometimes at my chest, sometimes just staring at me like "why is a girl here?"

It was uncomfortable and so I left early.

I don't want to be one of those girls who whines about being objectified and then turns around and asks for attention because of her looks. I'm not doing this to you, imaginary readers, because you don't know what I look like. But I do like to be thought of as pretty, and honestly, a subtle glance at my chest would have been kind of flattering.
But being stared at is just creepy. Tell me I'm pretty, fine. Wild sex fantasies about me? Sure, just don't let me know about them. Undressing me with your eyes when I'm stuck in a room with you and not stopping when I'm clearly skeeved out? NO. (unless you're Mike, but if you've read any other blog post here you know that won't happen.)

Other brony guys are great. Just not the ones today.

Long day

Things that happened today:
1. work
2. sat in traffic for an hour and a half
3. pony karaoke
4. pass out in exhaustion
5. not think about Mike. this makes it a good day.

Anddd I forgot to do an article thing yesterday, so here's one now:

Laura Jane Grace may not be a name you recognize. But maybe you have heard of Tom Gabel, lead singer of Against Me!

They’re actually the same person.

Tom Gabel has recently come out as transgendered, and plans to live her life as a woman. She’s hoping that her fans will accept her, and she plans on continuing to make music.

And it seems that so far, the fans don’t have a problem with her announcement. Comments from the fans are generally supportive, even if they sometimes use the wrong pronoun.

“good for him for being honest wish u a happy life Tom Gabel I love him”

“More power to her, that's some brave s--- right there.”

“Other people going through similar situations need to know they're not alone. “

The president of GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) has said, “Tom is displaying extraordinary courage by coming out as transgender after already establishing herself as a rock star. For many of the band's fans, this may be the first time they're actually thinking about transgender people and the bravery it sometimes takes in order to be true to yourself.”

So what this situation comes to is that no one is angry with Tom for her decision. No one is offended. Her fans, many of whom do not understand what it means to be transgendered, support her and wish her the best.

Her brave announcement has proven that people can accept what society has long deemed unacceptable. Views of transgendered people are changing, and hopefully soon everyone will understand and accept them.

I'm stupid

Thanks for making me feel like an idiot, Mike.
Thanks for dumping me two weeks before finals, because I'm not worth waiting those two weeks when I was leaving for home anyways.
Thanks for making me think that I'm a useless piece of crap and no one will ever love me again.
Thanks for telling me I'm not enough for you. Who am I enough for, then?
Thanks for leaving me and forgetting about me. Two years means nothing to you, I get it.

I really hope you're happy, because I'm a fucking mess.

uggggh

COSPLAY IS HARD
end of post. sorry. Have to go run out to Joanns to find a NEW pattern

Work and stress

Here is a list of all I am currently working on:
-my actual job
-2 paid writing jobs (which I am so glad I've got but they do take time)
-working for my dad whenever he needs me to
-Lyra cosplay
-Celestia and Luna cosplay
-mane 6 gala dresses cosplay
-another cosplay that's a secret
-painting a Rainbow Dash on a camera case
-voice acting
-videos of myself singing for my youtube account
-cleaning out my basement
-a puzzle
-planning when I can go to meetups
-cooking dinner a few times a week
-creating a pony-based game
-this blog

Yeah, so my life would be a lot less busy if I wasn't working on anything pony related, but then that wouldn't be fun, would it? Seriously, most of my friends I now know through ponies.

but it's just a lot to do in what feels like absolutely no time.

Work is hard.

I miss being able to sleep in to whenever without an alarm waking me up.
I miss having time to do all the things I want to do.
And I miss Mike.

Website of the week:
http://www.mccormick.com/Recipes/Breakfast-Brunch/Quick-and-Easy-French-Toast.aspx

I can't remember why I favorited this one, but french toast is awesome.

Granitecon!

I went to granitecon today and it was a fun time.
Met a ton of other girls who are into ponies, and finally got enough girls to do a cosplay I've been planning.

aaand now I'm tired!

burrito.

The title of this post comes from the fact I am eating a burrito while typing it.

So today I got to see Lanie, an old friend from high school. It was nice to hang out with her again.

And then the rest of today has been catching up with all my things to do. So it's been good.

I'm so tired of being busy.

I like being busy, but I'm tired of the constant feeling that I just do not have enough time to even exist.

Although it's helping me talk to Mike about stuff. I'm too tired to care that he dumped me.

Article: Summer drinks

Today's post is super late because I've been busy.
um...yeah.
Article day I think?

Best summer drinks (most of which I have not tried):

Long Island Iced Tea

1 part vodka
1 part tequila
1 part rum
1 part gin
1 part triple sec
1 1/2 parts sweet and sour mix
1 splash Coca-Cola®

It doesn’t really taste like iced tea. But it can get you drunk pretty fast.

Pina Colada

3 oz light rum
3 tbsp coconut cream
3 tbsp crushed pineapple

With all these sweet and tasty ingredients, how can you go wrong?

Margarita

1 1/2 oz tequila
1/2 oz triple sec
1 oz lime juice

Classic drink if you want to get crazy drunk.

Sangria

1 Bottle of red wine

1 Lemon cut into wedges

1 Orange cut into wedges

2 Tbsp sugar

2 Cups ginger ale or club soda

Sangria is just awesome. Good for a casual drink with friends.

This drink has no name ‘cause I made it up

16 oz water with 1 pack Crystal Light White Cranberry Peach

1 shot raspberry vodka

I originally named this Korra because I was watching The Legend of Korra at the time, but I’d also already had three or four of them and I was pretty drunk. So now idk about the name. but this tastes like candy and it’s good.

headache

talked to Mike again, cried, now I have a headache.
The headache is also partly because I worked through lunch. I have so many things to do I can't stand it.

A guy started flirting with me online. I don't know what to think about that.

I have no more time ugh

Today has been LONG.
Got up at 5. Worked for seven hours. Took a break to catch up on things that I haven't done, and then went out to Boston to meet some bronies and watch the Venus transit. Didn't see the transit because it was cloudy, but we hung out at Starbucks and watched the webcast from NASA. Ran some errands after the meetup and made it home around 10.

And I've also agreed to do more writing work, more VA work, and now I'm taking painting commissions. In addition to continuing McDonald's and keeping up with exercising, seeing bronies on weekends, and eventually summer classes.

Well at least I'll be too busy to care about Mike, eh?

ugh

Mike continues to email me.
I had to tell him to stop. Hearing from him was hurting too much. I started hoping that maybe he still really loved me and I can't let myself think that.

Work today was long and I'm tired, but I managed to catch up on all the things I needed to do so I'm good.

Today is talking about a site I have favorited again? okay.

http://www.marieclaire.com/celebrity-lifestyle/articles/livingalonerecipes
This site's got a bunch of recipes to cook for one person, which clearly I need a lot of now.
Except not because I cook for my parents too, but sometimes it can be kind of fun to be cynical, you know?

Talked to him.

I talked to Mike yesterday.
Didn't go as badly as I thought I would. I miss him a lot and I want him back, but it's nice to know that he's doing well, and that he does care how I'm doing.
I don't know if he misses me, but I hope he does.

I went to a roleplay with some bronies today and it was fun times.
but now I'm really tired.

Games today

Went to a new meetup group for gaming.
The games were fun, but the people made me feel just a little eh. None were my age and it slightly weirded me out. I felt like I was intruding on some other family's game night, since there legit was a family there...
then I came home and I've been working on quite a few projects. It's fun to be so busy.

I meant to email Mike today. Because, I don't know, I told myself I would talk to him.
And uh. I haven't done that. I will. Maybe.

So tired

Got called into work, now my feet hurt and I'm exhausted.

Got my mind off Mike though. until right now.

Article: The Westford Knight

Today was a day off from work.
I cried over Mike a little bit, but that's just normal for me now.
Other than that, nothing happened.
So here's an article for you.

To the citizens of Westford, MA, the Westford Knight isn’t that big a deal. It’s a stone in the center of town that we drive past every day. You’d have to get out of the car to see the knight, and let’s be honest, we don’t always have time.

But to the rest of the world, the Westford Knight is kind of important (if they’ve heard of it, that is). It’s part of history.

What exactly is the Westford Knight? It’s a glacial boulder with a carving of a medieval knight. It’s not exactly a clear carving, as it’s worn away with age, but historians claim that it represents a Knight Templar. This leads to claims that it is proof of European explorers in America years before Columbus—specifically, Henry Sinclair, a Scottish earl who some believe traveled to America almost a century before Columbus’s famous voyage. He was said to have traveled with Sir James Gunn, a Knight Templar.

There are some holes in this theory, most notably that Westford isn’t remotely close to the coast, and that the Knights Templar did not officially exist at the time of Sinclair’s voyage.

On the other hand, many people believe this is a hoax. There is evidence that most of the carving is a natural feature of the boulder, with the rest being added in the late 19^th century. To support this theory—well, does this look like much of a knight to you?

In any case, it’s the small town’s claim to fame. Trust me, we got nothing else to offer.

Work again

My work schedule won't get straight. Now the day I had gotten added to the schedule, I'm not working.
what the f.
Okay, whatever, just means time to sleep, yeah?

Today I thought about Mike a lot. I thought I was getting better, but now I feel like I would literally change everything about myself if it meant getting him back.
I miss him so much.
I want someone else. I don't want to keep being alone. But it feels like I'll never want anyone else, and no one else will ever want me. I'm completely worthless because I'm not good enough for Mike.

At some points I do know the only thing wrong with me is that I keep thinking that.
it just bugs me that he didn't have a reason for dumping me. Can you really just fall out of love with someone and stop caring?
I know he doesn't care because he hasn't talked to me. I haven't talked to him because I'm giving him space. I also needed some time to fall out of love with him (apparently more time than this) and adjust to seeing him just as a friend.
But he didn't need that time. He already doesn't love me, as much as that hurts to say (and to be honest, he never actually said it. I asked him to, because I needed to hear it, but he wouldn't say it. I don't want to read into that, but I am glad now he didn't say it because if he had it would have been repeating in my head forever).
So if he doesn't need the time to get over me, if he already just sees me as a friend, why won't he talk to me?
The only answer I have is that he doesn't see me as a friend. I'm nothing to him. He's forgotten about me or hates me so much for whatever reason that he doesn't want to talk to me.
And I don't mean a big "hey let's talk about how much you hurt me" kind of drama. I'm getting a new phone (because mine broke) and I want to just tell him that, because I know that's the kind of thing he cares about. I'm scared to tell him anything, even that minor, because he will not talk to me and I don't know why.
This was the thing I was most scared of happening.

It's taking a huge amount of effort not to stalk him on Facebook. I'm scared he's already moved on and is with some other girl already. She's probably a total slut.

I'm watching all these Lifetime movies about girls who go crazy when they're rejected or dumped. And I keep finding myself sympathizing with the crazy chick.

If I'm a phoenix, how much more do I have to die before I can finally get to that rebirth?

work

I was called in to work at 6am this morning.
I realized I didn't have my good shoes from last year, so I had to wear crappy ones that killed my feet.

work was okay, just a bit long and I was really tired.
I went to the mall with dad after work to get my phone fixed. And I got new shoes for my terrible sore feet.

and then I spent the afternoon crying about Mike.
I miss him too much.

Back to work

First day of work today.
It wasn't long. 3 hours.
But idk when I'm going back. I saw the schedule and it looked like I'm on there for tomorrow, but when I left, I was told don't come back till Friday.
I asked specifically "not tomorrow?" and was told "no, you're not on till Friday".
I did all I could to make sure and yet I'm still scared I'll be pulled in tomorrow, yelled at for not coming in when I was scheduled.

ugh.


oops, forgot to mention a random website I have bookmarked because I was totally going to do that every Monday.
anyways:

http://rainbowdash.net/group/northamptonbronies/

I'm only around the Northampton area while I'm in school, but I don't want to stop hanging out with awesome bronies while I'm there.
Although really, the Boston brony group is cooler.

Avengers & Renaissance Faire

The Avengers was as fantastic and awesome as I was expecting it to be.
After seeing it, I wanted to text Mike and tell him the ending, solely to piss him off.
I'd made him promise since September that he would see this movie with me. And then he didn't because he apparently can't stand me now or whatever, I don't even know what he thinks.
I know he seriously hates spoilers, so that would have really gotten to him.
I didn't do it though. And it wasn't because I wanted to spare his feelings or anything, but I just realized that getting him mad at me wouldn't accomplish anything. I really do want to save our friendship. Even if seeing him upset would make me momentarily happy, it would not end well.

The Renaissance Faire was also great. I spent so much money though.
Annette (friend I went with and stayed with) and I planned on wearing costumes but it just was way too hot. We looked at the weather, realized it was going to be 80 degrees, and went uhno.

We saw a rat circus show which was actually pretty good. If Cirque de Sewer is at your local ren faire, take time to see it.
We played a game with darts and both failed miserably.
Then we got quintessential Ren faire food--turkey legs! and only finished like half.
Tried some archery. I used to be pretty okay with archery when I was a kid at summer camp, but I haven't done it in years. I got right back into it and got a bullseye though, so I could probably be pretty wicked with a bow and arrow if I had to be.
We walked around shopping for a while, and a woman pulled us into her stall to let us try on corsets. Not uncomfortable, but very boobtastic. Or as the woman described it, I had a 'shelf'.

I got a tarot reading and it was creepy accurate. The guy reading it didn't know me at all and I told him nothing, but still the cards apparently said that I had been recently influenced by a guy about my age with blond hair and blue eyes.
Mike's hair was a dark dirty blond and his eyes were more bluish gray, but still, that was creepy close.
According to the reading, he's out of my life.
And in like 6 months to a year (probably more around a year, since there was a card of "finishing a period of learning"--graduation?) I will find some new guy who will 'influence' me. Brown hair and blue eyes. I might know him now, or I'll be meeting him soon.
And with this guy in my future, I will be "fulfilled emotionally" and my life will be in balance.
I don't want to wait a year to get that, but it's nice to think it'll definitely happen.
besides, I may be with this guy long before that, and only really feel totally happy with him later on. Can I get laid earlier? that'd be nice.

I bought some jams that were delicious, and got a sundae which was so nice when it was so hot out.
We saw some more shows--a pantomime which was pretty funny, and a magic show which was pretty simple tricks but very well executed.
Then we left, and it was good timing because it started raining.

Then we went on to a mall and went on a shopping spree. I flirted with a guy at a bookstore. it was really fun to flirt again without feeling guilty.

Today is a hard day (and short break)

Everyone who blogs tells me taking a single day off will kill the blog and now no one will read it.
No one's reading it anyways, so...
I'm going to a renaissance faire tomorrow. it's out near western mass, and I've been there with Mike before.
Now I'm going with a friend who lives in the area.

Today is like yesterday. One of those days where it's just so hard to move on. I keep thinking maybe he'll show up at the faire and say he wants me back.
but I know, he won't.
He does know that I'm going. He wanted to go to the faire too, so I told him which weekend I was going so we could avoid each other. So I guess if he really wanted to, he could show up...but I know it'll just hurt me more if I think like that.

tbh right now I just want someone. it doesn't really have to be him, even though that would be great. being alone is sad.
maybe there'll be a cute guy at the faire. who knows.

Article: 9gag.com

Since it's Thursday, here's another article for that stupid website that I worked for a week for didn't accept.
There's a lot of 'for's in that sentence. huh.

9gag.com. Called the new 4chan by some, called not quite as big a cesspool as 4chan but has some funny memes by others.

So what is it? Basically, 9gag is an image sharing site. Users post funny pictures, which get comments and likes. If an image is good enough, it goes from the voting page to the trending page to the hot page. It’s the goal of many users to get their images on the hot page.

The jokes on 9gag are not politically correct and not family friendly. The jokes are often misogynistic, and sometimes homophobic or racist. On the other hand, there are often pictures on 9gag which show beautiful places in the world, detail acts of kindness from random people, and share interesting information. These posts tend to be so good that they’re worth all the bad jokes.

And let’s be honest, sometimes the misogynistic jokes are pretty funny. (but I will be clear here that I speak for myself and not all females)

9gag is the site that raised the popularity of Nutella and introduced the world to Extremely Photogenic Guy. Posters on the site spread awareness of SOPA and PIPA and helped stop these acts. Among all the sometimes offensive jokes, the 9gag users are in general good people who have changed the world in small and big ways.

If you haven’t checked out 9gag yet, you should give it a try. It’s addictive and you can spend hours on the site without noticing. But remember: 9gag is just for fun.

and news about me? Got my McDonald's job back, and I have another community theater audition tonight. Things are looking good.

But I really feel like crap. Today is one of those days that it just hurts so bad. I know bad days will happen, and good days will happen, but that doesn't console me during a bad day.

a nothing day

I got an interview for a babysitting job.
Because at this point I am willing to take literally anything other than McDonald's.

I haven't thought about Mike much today.
I do miss him, and I miss having a boyfriend, but I don't so much miss having specifically him as a boyfriend.
huh.

UGH

I'm stuck going back to McDonald's.
I don't want to do this.
I may end up refusing the job just because I really do not want to do this.

still in pain

this pain from the hiking just won't go away.
Just like the pain in my heaaart

No I don't want to be that dramatic. My legs and shoulders just hurt a lot.

Today I got a prize from a contest that I'd entered a long time ago. Or I should say, I got the package for the prize. It was empty.

My day hasn't gotten better since then.

So in my attempt to bring structure to my whining, I think I'm going to share a random (read: one that I've favorited at some point) website or page on Mondays.
That totally makes sense, right? It doesn't seem like I thought of it thirty seconds ago?

First one: http://forkableblog.com/?p=908

I never made these, but I always wanted to try.
I also never watched Dexter. Tried watching the first few episodes with Mike, but couldn't really get into them. It's an interesting premise, though. I did like the books.
But I haven't read the 4th one because I was borrowing them from Mike.

I really hope we can get to the point where I can borrow books from him again.

So sore

Today was another brony meetup. it was fun but I am so sore from that hike yesterday.

It's actually really hard just to sit up and type this, so this will be an excessively short blog today.

I didn't meet any new guys today, boo. I was kind of hoping that I would. But I will be lending my voice to some pony videos, so at least I'm trying something new, working with guys. just not ones I'm interested in. I guess it's good practice to be able to talk to guys?

I'm really in a lot of pain. Tylenol wore off and my sunburn and bug bites are bothering me. So that's it for today.

tired

Today I hiked up Mt Monadnock with a brony meetup group.
The guy leading the group said it was an easy hike. He lied.
Didn't make it to the top, but did make it about 2100 feet. 5 miles altogether.

I didn't think about Mike a lot, and did get to flirt with new guys. (3 of them carried my backpack for me at various times.)
I don't really know any of them well enough now to pursue anything but it was fun to flirt.

Also, OW. so much pain from the hiking.

what to do today?

Today I did a job interview that went really well and I have a good feeling about it.
Then again, I've thought that before.

In an attempt to gain some structure for this blog, what should I talk about on Fridays?
My normal Friday activity is play some video games, but my Wii is broken and tbh I don't have any other consoles. I'm not much of a gamer.
According to the internet, this makes me less desirable than other girls who are gamers. But according to the internet, girl gamers always play their games totally naked and are somehow incredibly skinny despite playing so much they wouldn't realistically have time to exercise.

So I could talk about games I guess. I am addicted to DrawSomething.
Add me. ghostlyhamburg.
I was trying to put in ghostlyhamburger but it got cut off.

On the Mike front, he emailed me today.
I like when I'm reminded that he doesn't hate me. But I miss him so much.
I really thought I was getting over him before this email. It took a lot not to beg him to take me back when I replied.

Working is hard

So in my quest to be a professional writer, I accepted a job with a small starting website. They paid per article, and didn't pay that much, but it would add up to a nice little bonus in addition to whatever minimum wage job I got. Plus, experience.

I wrote ~40 articles for this site in the past few weeks (not very long articles obviously) and only 5 were accepted.
For those 5 articles, I got paid $20.
Not. Worth. It.

So you, wonderful (and currently imaginary) readers, get the leftover 30some articles. One a week, every Thursday, because I'm trying to add something to this blog beyond just me whining about my ex and hoping to get someone new.
Although I'll keep whining. (Today I had a computer issue and Mike was the one I turned to when I had issues and I miss him)

Today's article is something fitting for this blog:

5 Tips to Recover From a Broken Heart

Let’s face it: heartbreak sucks. No matter how old you are or how many relationships you’ve been in, when your heart is broken it can be the worst emotional pain you’ve ever felt. Your world is turned upside down, and you don’t know if you can ever get over it.

You can move on from the pain. You can heal your broken heart and get your life back. Here are some tips on how to do this.

Surround yourself with friends

Your loved one may have hurt you, but your friends will continue to support you. They’ll be the ones listening to your problems and telling you that this person who broke your heart is not worth it. You may not believe what they say right away, but having their support is better than being alone with your thoughts. Their words will make sense in time, and you’ll appreciate that they’re there for you.

Don’t try to control your thoughts

You may find yourself fantasizing about your lost love, and then you may find yourself trying to stop thinking about him or her. You can’t force this. If you tell yourself not to think of something, you’ll soon realize it’s all you can think about. (Don’t believe it? Try to avoid thinking of a white bear.) Instead of forcing your thoughts, when you find yourself daydreaming, just distract yourself from them. You’ll forget about the fantasies.

Rediscover yourself

Do you have any hobbies that you gave up for this man or woman? Now’s the time to go back to them. If you loved playing video games but your girlfriend hated them, you’ll soon stop thinking about her if you’re playing Diablo III. If you loved writing but your boyfriend never bothered to read your work, funnel your pain into writing a novel. You’ll feel great when it becomes a bestseller and you dedicate it to anyone but him.

Don’t isolate yourself

It’s easy to say now that you hate men/women. You’ll take negative attributes of your loved one and paint them onto everyone of the same gender. This is an extremely pessimistic view, and one that can be avoided. Don’t go out and try to date new people right away, but get out in the world and make new friends. Remember that this person who broke your heart is just one person, and not the world.

Forget about him or her

You may want him back. You may hate her now. This person is constantly in your thoughts now, and you can’t get over them if you keep thinking about them. The easiest way to forget is cut them out of your life. Pack away everything he gave you—don’t throw it out, just hide it from your view. Change her name in your phone to ‘Do Not Call’. This will be hard at first, but in time, you will forget, forgive, and move on.

now to take my own advice, huh?

Today isn't special

As much as I would like to tell you about my interesting life, every single day, not every day is that special.
I didn't even leave the house except to go to the post office.

Right now, I'm watching I Am Legend. so far it's a good movie. This scene right now where Will Smith is flirting with a mannequin, that's creepy.
Idk if I'll like this movie because I know how it'll end. Plus I've read the book, so that always taints things.

Today would be when I would hear about callbacks for one of my auditions, but I'm not hearing anything. Sad.

Voice Acting

So what's happened today? I called a local bagel place for a job, got an interview.
woo

Cried over Mike, but I'm better.

I did some recordings of myself, sang a bit, did some voice acting for a friend. I'm apparently really good at THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!

so, that's cool.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vWQYWS2Fdk (if you wanna hear me sing)

Auditions are a scary kind of fun.

Yesterday's audition went pretty well, and also horribly.
I thought I did well. I wasn't called to read very much though, and it was pretty clear who the directors liked.
I'm not that experienced and I'm pretty sure it shows.
But I didn't flub a single line in my monologue or the cold reads, didn't show that I was nervous, and I could feel that I had that ubiquitous stage presence.

I'll know by the end of this week.

Today is another audition. This one requires singing and dancing, so I may not do as well. It'll be fun to try though.


Last night I dreamed that I was hanging out with Mike and I was being good, just trying to be friends, but then he kissed me all of a sudden and told me that he still loved me. That he'd made a mistake.

It hurts a little less now that I've been awake for a while and the dream is fading. But I can still feel that kiss.

Audition today.

Today I audition for some community theater. I'm excited and nervous and I just want to do well.

Other than that, I've been barely thinking about Mike. it still hurts a lot, but it really is better.

I'm just a bit lonely.

Weekends always throw me off because I like having a schedule. On the weekends, my parents are around all day and it messes my schedule.
Mostly because they don't understand my schedule.

Moving on

I always feel weird blogging when my parents are right next to me, even though they could just go online and read this.
idk. it's like they're reading my diary.

Today is better. I'm sad, but I'm also just really bored.
Dad's home finally, so that is really good.

And I'm just trying to keep on top of my many projects and job applications and trying to cook things and being responsible. it's hectic but I'm managing.

Broken tooth

Last night my tooth fell out.
To be clear, the crown of an implant fell out. Yes, I have a fake tooth.

Went to the dentist today to get it fixed. Wasn't really a problem, but the cement tastes bad and bleh.

I haven't cried (yet) today over the boy, but I just can't stop thinking about him.

I'm starting to realize that maybe I can love someone else, eventually. Not yet, but no one expects me to get over a 2 year relationship in 2 weeks.
Then my worry becomes: will anyone ever love me?
I thought it was a miracle that Mike ever liked me. I do have such low self-esteem that a large part of me feels like I'm not worthy of being loved. I'm not good enough. I felt like this long before I'd met Mike, and now I'm going to feel the same way for probably a long time again.

I can get used to being single, but I had this brief shining moment of being truly happy. I won't feel like that ever again.

Job interview, again

So I had a job interview today and for once I have a good feeling about it.

Dad's still in the hospital, but doing better. He had a CAT scan and they found a blood clot in his lung.
It hasn't been causing any problems yet, and that wasn't even what they were looking for, so it's a really good thing they saw it. Now it can get out before it does any serious damage to him.

So he's still lucky.

Things get worse

My dad went in the hospital today.
He's had a history of health problems. Sometimes when he's in the hospital, I know it'll be okay, other times I'm worried.
This time I'm worried.
It's always been okay in the past, at least eventually, but I'm aware that at some point, it won't be okay anymore. I'm scared that point is coming soon.

If I hadn't been dumped a few weeks ago and already in so much pain, would I be thinking this way? Probably not.

Applying for jobs is terrible.

I went to an interview at a restaurant today.
They kept me waiting for ten minutes and the interview only lasted for five.
I got the impression that the woman interviewing me just didn't like me for whatever reason. She promised to pass on my information to the actual hiring manager who was mysteriously not there for whatever reason, and then I would get an email asking for a background check and it would go from there.
Later this afternoon, I got an email informing me I was turned down for the job.

So what happened to passing on my information?

It's disheartening to know that I had the experience and the time available for the job, the reason I didn't get it was most likely just because this woman didn't like me.

Finals!

Today I drove back to Amherst to take my only final.
It went pretty well.
Then I got a call from a store asking me to come in for a job interview, so that's good.
Hung out with my friends for a while and treated them to dinner.

I almost talked to him today, just to figure out if he'd be giving me my dvd back, but I didn't.
Because I already know he'll be mailing it, and I know that if I talked to him, it wouldn't just be about that.

I miss him so much. But I think I'm getting better.

Lots of unpacking

Today, no job applications, no going out anywhere. So I finally unpacked the boxes from my dorm.
Haven't exactly finished them though. I just got worn out after like 5 or 6.

I've still been thinking about Mike, but it hurts slightly less.
The issue on my mind today is the idea that I just wasn't good enough for him. and to get a new guy I'll have to be better.
My friends have assured me that's not it, and even he said that's not it, but I think everyone is lying or wrong. I suck.

I did have a dream last night that I found a new guy. Progress?

And more job applications!

Today was more job applications. So many, but I think I'm done.
Except for the handful of online applications I remember I'm going to have to fill out. great.

By tomorrow, I'll be done. Then it's (hopefully) time for interviews.

I haven't thought about Mike much today. It hurts still, but it's really not a constant on my mind.
Right now, I'm missing the physical part most actually. I liked being kissed.

Well crap, now I'm thinking about him and it's hurting more.

I'm just going to cut this post short and go back to watching Wife Swap.

Job applications

Today I went to a job interview at Macy's. I was told if I didn't have to go back to school, I could have worked there.
oh well.

The Macy's was in a mall that I last went to with Mike. I found it hard not to cry over him while I was there, but I managed. No tears.
Not to say that I haven't cried today, I just didn't do it in public.
I was mad at him for a little while today. I thought if I saw him I would punch him in his stupid face for leaving me.
Now I'm not so mad, but I miss him a lot. I miss having someone to talk to about everything all the time. I miss feeling that anything I plan in the future, I won't be alone. Now I'm scared I'll be alone for years.

Today is hard.

Today has been a long and crazy day.
I got up early to drive my mom to work so I could have the car for the day. Then I went back to sleep.
Got up again, went out searching for jobs. Applied at a day camp for kids--it looks just like this place that I used to go to as a kid, Discovery Zone. That would be an awesome place to work.
Went to a restaurant, didn't apply. They were closed and something about the area just made me feel eh.
Went to a game store, was told they weren't hiring, but I bought a game anyways.
I just wanted my own copy of Bang, okay?

Then, I rehearsed some songs for the community theater auditions I'll be going to. I unpacked a bit, washed some clothes, made an appointment for one job interview and turned down another (they could only offer 6-10 hours a week), and drove back out to pick my mom up from work.

I am exhausted. I'm excited at all the new prospects I have--auditions! job interviews!
but I miss him so much that I'm not as happy as I should be.

Luckily, I saw some Ben & Jerry's in the freezer, so that'll cheer me up.

Back home

Today I moved out of my dorm, and I'm back home.

It's a little easier. I wouldn't be seeing him anyways now.

Going to ABC yesterday was pretty awesome. I got some hard cider and got drunk, woo. (I am 21, just to clarify.)

I'm really tired right now. Not quite used to blogging every day yet. Besides, I'm not interesting yet. I will be, I promise!

Getting better

Today I went a whole 2 hours without thinking about Mike (the ex).
Of course, when I realized that, I started thinking about him again, and then started crying.

I'm at a weird place. I'm realizing that I'll be okay if I don't have him anymore, I can survive on my own, but then I'm also thinking I will never love again.

It's too early to be in love again, though, isn't it?

I don't know what I'm doing with myself.

Today is my last day of classes. Meaning all we did was turn in final papers and deal with evaluations. Pretty boring, pretty easy.

In another hour, I'm heading to ABC (Amherst Brewing Company) to get drunk with some classmates. Never been there before. I'll tell all about it tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I go home. Get out of here where I keep picturing him all the time, get back to a place that reminds me of childhood, but not really because I moved to MA when I was 16. It still reminds me of a time before Mike. I need that now.

Here we go...

The phoenix needs to die to be reborn.


A week ago, I got dumped. He was my first boyfriend, and we'd been together two years. I've never had my heart broken before now, and the pain is worse than I could imagine.
But on the other hand, I'm dealing with it much better than I thought I would.

Today, I saw him for the first time after the breakup. We're going to try to be friends. It's just hard to do when I still love him.
I'm relieved that he doesn't hate me, but I can't be his friend right now.

This past week has been absolute hell, and I feel like it's going to get worse before it gets better.

 That's what this blog is for. My heart right now is like a phoenix--it needs to be completely dead, broken, all hope of him wanting me back gone. And then I know I'll be okay.
 I'm going to share that journey of rebirth, rebuilding my life. All you strangers out there, readers that don't exist yet, wish me luck.