Thursday, May 31, 2012

Article: The Westford Knight

Today was a day off from work.
I cried over Mike a little bit, but that's just normal for me now.
Other than that, nothing happened.
So here's an article for you.

To the citizens of Westford, MA, the Westford Knight isn’t that big a deal. It’s a stone in the center of town that we drive past every day. You’d have to get out of the car to see the knight, and let’s be honest, we don’t always have time.
But to the rest of the world, the Westford Knight is kind of important (if they’ve heard of it, that is). It’s part of history.
What exactly is the Westford Knight? It’s a glacial boulder with a carving of a medieval knight. It’s not exactly a clear carving, as it’s worn away with age, but historians claim that it represents a Knight Templar. This leads to claims that it is proof of European explorers in America years before Columbus—specifically, Henry Sinclair, a Scottish earl who some believe traveled to America almost a century before Columbus’s famous voyage. He was said to have traveled with Sir James Gunn, a Knight Templar.
There are some holes in this theory, most notably that Westford isn’t remotely close to the coast, and that the Knights Templar did not officially exist at the time of Sinclair’s voyage.
On the other hand, many people believe this is a hoax. There is evidence that most of the carving is a natural feature of the boulder, with the rest being added in the late 19th century. To support this theory—well, does this look like much of a knight to you?
In any case, it’s the small town’s claim to fame. Trust me, we got nothing else to offer.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Work again

My work schedule won't get straight. Now the day I had gotten added to the schedule, I'm not working.
what the f.
Okay, whatever, just means time to sleep, yeah?

Today I thought about Mike a lot. I thought I was getting better, but now I feel like I would literally change everything about myself if it meant getting him back.
I miss him so much.
I want someone else. I don't want to keep being alone. But it feels like I'll never want anyone else, and no one else will ever want me. I'm completely worthless because I'm not good enough for Mike.

At some points I do know the only thing wrong with me is that I keep thinking that.
it just bugs me that he didn't have a reason for dumping me. Can you really just fall out of love with someone and stop caring?
I know he doesn't care because he hasn't talked to me. I haven't talked to him because I'm giving him space. I also needed some time to fall out of love with him (apparently more time than this) and adjust to seeing him just as a friend.
But he didn't need that time. He already doesn't love me, as much as that hurts to say (and to be honest, he never actually said it. I asked him to, because I needed to hear it, but he wouldn't say it. I don't want to read into that, but I am glad now he didn't say it because if he had it would have been repeating in my head forever).
So if he doesn't need the time to get over me, if he already just sees me as a friend, why won't he talk to me?
The only answer I have is that he doesn't see me as a friend. I'm nothing to him. He's forgotten about me or hates me so much for whatever reason that he doesn't want to talk to me.
And I don't mean a big "hey let's talk about how much you hurt me" kind of drama. I'm getting a new phone (because mine broke) and I want to just tell him that, because I know that's the kind of thing he cares about. I'm scared to tell him anything, even that minor, because he will not talk to me and I don't know why.
This was the thing I was most scared of happening.

It's taking a huge amount of effort not to stalk him on Facebook. I'm scared he's already moved on and is with some other girl already. She's probably a total slut.

I'm watching all these Lifetime movies about girls who go crazy when they're rejected or dumped. And I keep finding myself sympathizing with the crazy chick.

If I'm a phoenix, how much more do I have to die before I can finally get to that rebirth?

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


I was called in to work at 6am this morning.
I realized I didn't have my good shoes from last year, so I had to wear crappy ones that killed my feet.

work was okay, just a bit long and I was really tired.
I went to the mall with dad after work to get my phone fixed. And I got new shoes for my terrible sore feet.

and then I spent the afternoon crying about Mike.
I miss him too much.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Back to work

First day of work today.
It wasn't long. 3 hours.
But idk when I'm going back. I saw the schedule and it looked like I'm on there for tomorrow, but when I left, I was told don't come back till Friday.
I asked specifically "not tomorrow?" and was told "no, you're not on till Friday".
I did all I could to make sure and yet I'm still scared I'll be pulled in tomorrow, yelled at for not coming in when I was scheduled.


oops, forgot to mention a random website I have bookmarked because I was totally going to do that every Monday.

I'm only around the Northampton area while I'm in school, but I don't want to stop hanging out with awesome bronies while I'm there.
Although really, the Boston brony group is cooler.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Avengers & Renaissance Faire

The Avengers was as fantastic and awesome as I was expecting it to be.
After seeing it, I wanted to text Mike and tell him the ending, solely to piss him off.
I'd made him promise since September that he would see this movie with me. And then he didn't because he apparently can't stand me now or whatever, I don't even know what he thinks.
I know he seriously hates spoilers, so that would have really gotten to him.
I didn't do it though. And it wasn't because I wanted to spare his feelings or anything, but I just realized that getting him mad at me wouldn't accomplish anything. I really do want to save our friendship. Even if seeing him upset would make me momentarily happy, it would not end well.

The Renaissance Faire was also great. I spent so much money though.
Annette (friend I went with and stayed with) and I planned on wearing costumes but it just was way too hot. We looked at the weather, realized it was going to be 80 degrees, and went uhno.

We saw a rat circus show which was actually pretty good. If Cirque de Sewer is at your local ren faire, take time to see it.
We played a game with darts and both failed miserably.
Then we got quintessential Ren faire food--turkey legs! and only finished like half.
Tried some archery. I used to be pretty okay with archery when I was a kid at summer camp, but I haven't done it in years. I got right back into it and got a bullseye though, so I could probably be pretty wicked with a bow and arrow if I had to be.
We walked around shopping for a while, and a woman pulled us into her stall to let us try on corsets. Not uncomfortable, but very boobtastic. Or as the woman described it, I had a 'shelf'.

I got a tarot reading and it was creepy accurate. The guy reading it didn't know me at all and I told him nothing, but still the cards apparently said that I had been recently influenced by a guy about my age with blond hair and blue eyes.
Mike's hair was a dark dirty blond and his eyes were more bluish gray, but still, that was creepy close.
According to the reading, he's out of my life.
And in like 6 months to a year (probably more around a year, since there was a card of "finishing a period of learning"--graduation?) I will find some new guy who will 'influence' me. Brown hair and blue eyes. I might know him now, or I'll be meeting him soon.
And with this guy in my future, I will be "fulfilled emotionally" and my life will be in balance.
I don't want to wait a year to get that, but it's nice to think it'll definitely happen.
besides, I may be with this guy long before that, and only really feel totally happy with him later on. Can I get laid earlier? that'd be nice.

I bought some jams that were delicious, and got a sundae which was so nice when it was so hot out.
We saw some more shows--a pantomime which was pretty funny, and a magic show which was pretty simple tricks but very well executed.
Then we left, and it was good timing because it started raining.

Then we went on to a mall and went on a shopping spree. I flirted with a guy at a bookstore. it was really fun to flirt again without feeling guilty.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Today is a hard day (and short break)

Everyone who blogs tells me taking a single day off will kill the blog and now no one will read it.
No one's reading it anyways, so...
I'm going to a renaissance faire tomorrow. it's out near western mass, and I've been there with Mike before.
Now I'm going with a friend who lives in the area.

Today is like yesterday. One of those days where it's just so hard to move on. I keep thinking maybe he'll show up at the faire and say he wants me back.
but I know, he won't.
He does know that I'm going. He wanted to go to the faire too, so I told him which weekend I was going so we could avoid each other. So I guess if he really wanted to, he could show up...but I know it'll just hurt me more if I think like that.

tbh right now I just want someone. it doesn't really have to be him, even though that would be great. being alone is sad.
maybe there'll be a cute guy at the faire. who knows.

Thursday, May 24, 2012


Since it's Thursday, here's another article for that stupid website that I worked for a week for didn't accept.
There's a lot of 'for's in that sentence. huh. Called the new 4chan by some, called not quite as big a cesspool as 4chan but has some funny memes by others.
So what is it? Basically, 9gag is an image sharing site. Users post funny pictures, which get comments and likes. If an image is good enough, it goes from the voting page to the trending page to the hot page. It’s the goal of many users to get their images on the hot page.
The jokes on 9gag are not politically correct and not family friendly. The jokes are often misogynistic, and sometimes homophobic or racist. On the other hand, there are often pictures on 9gag which show beautiful places in the world, detail acts of kindness from random people, and share interesting information. These posts tend to be so good that they’re worth all the bad jokes.
And let’s be honest, sometimes the misogynistic jokes are pretty funny. (but I will be clear here that I speak for myself and not all females)
9gag is the site that raised the popularity of Nutella and introduced the world to Extremely Photogenic Guy. Posters on the site spread awareness of SOPA and PIPA and helped stop these acts. Among all the sometimes offensive jokes, the 9gag users are in general good people who have changed the world in small and big ways.
If you haven’t checked out 9gag yet, you should give it a try. It’s addictive and you can spend hours on the site without noticing. But remember: 9gag is just for fun.

and news about me? Got my McDonald's job back, and I have another community theater audition tonight. Things are looking good.

But I really feel like crap. Today is one of those days that it just hurts so bad. I know bad days will happen, and good days will happen, but that doesn't console me during a bad day.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

a nothing day

I got an interview for a babysitting job.
Because at this point I am willing to take literally anything other than McDonald's.

I haven't thought about Mike much today.
I do miss him, and I miss having a boyfriend, but I don't so much miss having specifically him as a boyfriend.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012


I'm stuck going back to McDonald's.
I don't want to do this.
I may end up refusing the job just because I really do not want to do this.

Monday, May 21, 2012

still in pain

this pain from the hiking just won't go away.
Just like the pain in my heaaart

No I don't want to be that dramatic. My legs and shoulders just hurt a lot.

Today I got a prize from a contest that I'd entered a long time ago. Or I should say, I got the package for the prize. It was empty.

My day hasn't gotten better since then.

So in my attempt to bring structure to my whining, I think I'm going to share a random (read: one that I've favorited at some point) website or page on Mondays.
That totally makes sense, right? It doesn't seem like I thought of it thirty seconds ago?

First one:

I never made these, but I always wanted to try.
I also never watched Dexter. Tried watching the first few episodes with Mike, but couldn't really get into them. It's an interesting premise, though. I did like the books.
But I haven't read the 4th one because I was borrowing them from Mike.

I really hope we can get to the point where I can borrow books from him again.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

So sore

Today was another brony meetup. it was fun but I am so sore from that hike yesterday.

It's actually really hard just to sit up and type this, so this will be an excessively short blog today.

I didn't meet any new guys today, boo. I was kind of hoping that I would. But I will be lending my voice to some pony videos, so at least I'm trying something new, working with guys. just not ones I'm interested in. I guess it's good practice to be able to talk to guys?

I'm really in a lot of pain. Tylenol wore off and my sunburn and bug bites are bothering me. So that's it for today.

Saturday, May 19, 2012


Today I hiked up Mt Monadnock with a brony meetup group.
The guy leading the group said it was an easy hike. He lied.
Didn't make it to the top, but did make it about 2100 feet. 5 miles altogether.

I didn't think about Mike a lot, and did get to flirt with new guys. (3 of them carried my backpack for me at various times.)
I don't really know any of them well enough now to pursue anything but it was fun to flirt.

Also, OW. so much pain from the hiking.

Friday, May 18, 2012

what to do today?

Today I did a job interview that went really well and I have a good feeling about it.
Then again, I've thought that before.

In an attempt to gain some structure for this blog, what should I talk about on Fridays?
My normal Friday activity is play some video games, but my Wii is broken and tbh I don't have any other consoles. I'm not much of a gamer.
According to the internet, this makes me less desirable than other girls who are gamers. But according to the internet, girl gamers always play their games totally naked and are somehow incredibly skinny despite playing so much they wouldn't realistically have time to exercise.

So I could talk about games I guess. I am addicted to DrawSomething.
Add me. ghostlyhamburg.
I was trying to put in ghostlyhamburger but it got cut off.

On the Mike front, he emailed me today.
I like when I'm reminded that he doesn't hate me. But I miss him so much.
I really thought I was getting over him before this email. It took a lot not to beg him to take me back when I replied.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Working is hard

So in my quest to be a professional writer, I accepted a job with a small starting website. They paid per article, and didn't pay that much, but it would add up to a nice little bonus in addition to whatever minimum wage job I got. Plus, experience.

I wrote ~40 articles for this site in the past few weeks (not very long articles obviously) and only 5 were accepted.
For those 5 articles, I got paid $20.
Not. Worth. It.

So you, wonderful (and currently imaginary) readers, get the leftover 30some articles. One a week, every Thursday, because I'm trying to add something to this blog beyond just me whining about my ex and hoping to get someone new.
Although I'll keep whining. (Today I had a computer issue and Mike was the one I turned to when I had issues and I miss him)

Today's article is something fitting for this blog:

5 Tips to Recover From a Broken Heart

Let’s face it: heartbreak sucks. No matter how old you are or how many relationships you’ve been in, when your heart is broken it can be the worst emotional pain you’ve ever felt. Your world is turned upside down, and you don’t know if you can ever get over it.
You can move on from the pain. You can heal your broken heart and get your life back. Here are some tips on how to do this.
Surround yourself with friends
Your loved one may have hurt you, but your friends will continue to support you. They’ll be the ones listening to your problems and telling you that this person who broke your heart is not worth it. You may not believe what they say right away, but having their support is better than being alone with your thoughts. Their words will make sense in time, and you’ll appreciate that they’re there for you.
Don’t try to control your thoughts
You may find yourself fantasizing about your lost love, and then you may find yourself trying to stop thinking about him or her. You can’t force this. If you tell yourself not to think of something, you’ll soon realize it’s all you can think about. (Don’t believe it? Try to avoid thinking of a white bear.) Instead of forcing your thoughts, when you find yourself daydreaming, just distract yourself from them. You’ll forget about the fantasies.
Rediscover yourself
Do you have any hobbies that you gave up for this man or woman? Now’s the time to go back to them. If you loved playing video games but your girlfriend hated them, you’ll soon stop thinking about her if you’re playing Diablo III. If you loved writing but your boyfriend never bothered to read your work, funnel your pain into writing a novel. You’ll feel great when it becomes a bestseller and you dedicate it to anyone but him.
Don’t isolate yourself
It’s easy to say now that you hate men/women. You’ll take negative attributes of your loved one and paint them onto everyone of the same gender. This is an extremely pessimistic view, and one that can be avoided. Don’t go out and try to date new people right away, but get out in the world and make new friends. Remember that this person who broke your heart is just one person, and not the world.
Forget about him or her
You may want him back. You may hate her now. This person is constantly in your thoughts now, and you can’t get over them if you keep thinking about them. The easiest way to forget is cut them out of your life. Pack away everything he gave you—don’t throw it out, just hide it from your view. Change her name in your phone to ‘Do Not Call’. This will be hard at first, but in time, you will forget, forgive, and move on.

now to take my own advice, huh?

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Today isn't special

As much as I would like to tell you about my interesting life, every single day, not every day is that special.
I didn't even leave the house except to go to the post office.

Right now, I'm watching I Am Legend. so far it's a good movie. This scene right now where Will Smith is flirting with a mannequin, that's creepy.
Idk if I'll like this movie because I know how it'll end. Plus I've read the book, so that always taints things.

Today would be when I would hear about callbacks for one of my auditions, but I'm not hearing anything. Sad.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Voice Acting

So what's happened today? I called a local bagel place for a job, got an interview.

Cried over Mike, but I'm better.

I did some recordings of myself, sang a bit, did some voice acting for a friend. I'm apparently really good at THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!

so, that's cool. (if you wanna hear me sing)

Monday, May 14, 2012

Auditions are a scary kind of fun.

Yesterday's audition went pretty well, and also horribly.
I thought I did well. I wasn't called to read very much though, and it was pretty clear who the directors liked.
I'm not that experienced and I'm pretty sure it shows.
But I didn't flub a single line in my monologue or the cold reads, didn't show that I was nervous, and I could feel that I had that ubiquitous stage presence.

I'll know by the end of this week.

Today is another audition. This one requires singing and dancing, so I may not do as well. It'll be fun to try though.

Last night I dreamed that I was hanging out with Mike and I was being good, just trying to be friends, but then he kissed me all of a sudden and told me that he still loved me. That he'd made a mistake.

It hurts a little less now that I've been awake for a while and the dream is fading. But I can still feel that kiss.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Audition today.

Today I audition for some community theater. I'm excited and nervous and I just want to do well.

Other than that, I've been barely thinking about Mike. it still hurts a lot, but it really is better.

I'm just a bit lonely.

Weekends always throw me off because I like having a schedule. On the weekends, my parents are around all day and it messes my schedule.
Mostly because they don't understand my schedule.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Moving on

I always feel weird blogging when my parents are right next to me, even though they could just go online and read this.
idk. it's like they're reading my diary.

Today is better. I'm sad, but I'm also just really bored.
Dad's home finally, so that is really good.

And I'm just trying to keep on top of my many projects and job applications and trying to cook things and being responsible. it's hectic but I'm managing.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Broken tooth

Last night my tooth fell out.
To be clear, the crown of an implant fell out. Yes, I have a fake tooth.

Went to the dentist today to get it fixed. Wasn't really a problem, but the cement tastes bad and bleh.

I haven't cried (yet) today over the boy, but I just can't stop thinking about him.

I'm starting to realize that maybe I can love someone else, eventually. Not yet, but no one expects me to get over a 2 year relationship in 2 weeks.
Then my worry becomes: will anyone ever love me?
I thought it was a miracle that Mike ever liked me. I do have such low self-esteem that a large part of me feels like I'm not worthy of being loved. I'm not good enough. I felt like this long before I'd met Mike, and now I'm going to feel the same way for probably a long time again.

I can get used to being single, but I had this brief shining moment of being truly happy. I won't feel like that ever again.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Job interview, again

So I had a job interview today and for once I have a good feeling about it.

Dad's still in the hospital, but doing better. He had a CAT scan and they found a blood clot in his lung.
It hasn't been causing any problems yet, and that wasn't even what they were looking for, so it's a really good thing they saw it. Now it can get out before it does any serious damage to him.

So he's still lucky.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Things get worse

My dad went in the hospital today.
He's had a history of health problems. Sometimes when he's in the hospital, I know it'll be okay, other times I'm worried.
This time I'm worried.
It's always been okay in the past, at least eventually, but I'm aware that at some point, it won't be okay anymore. I'm scared that point is coming soon.

If I hadn't been dumped a few weeks ago and already in so much pain, would I be thinking this way? Probably not.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Applying for jobs is terrible.

I went to an interview at a restaurant today.
They kept me waiting for ten minutes and the interview only lasted for five.
I got the impression that the woman interviewing me just didn't like me for whatever reason. She promised to pass on my information to the actual hiring manager who was mysteriously not there for whatever reason, and then I would get an email asking for a background check and it would go from there.
Later this afternoon, I got an email informing me I was turned down for the job.

So what happened to passing on my information?

It's disheartening to know that I had the experience and the time available for the job, the reason I didn't get it was most likely just because this woman didn't like me.

Monday, May 7, 2012


Today I drove back to Amherst to take my only final.
It went pretty well.
Then I got a call from a store asking me to come in for a job interview, so that's good.
Hung out with my friends for a while and treated them to dinner.

I almost talked to him today, just to figure out if he'd be giving me my dvd back, but I didn't.
Because I already know he'll be mailing it, and I know that if I talked to him, it wouldn't just be about that.

I miss him so much. But I think I'm getting better.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Lots of unpacking

Today, no job applications, no going out anywhere. So I finally unpacked the boxes from my dorm.
Haven't exactly finished them though. I just got worn out after like 5 or 6.

I've still been thinking about Mike, but it hurts slightly less.
The issue on my mind today is the idea that I just wasn't good enough for him. and to get a new guy I'll have to be better.
My friends have assured me that's not it, and even he said that's not it, but I think everyone is lying or wrong. I suck.

I did have a dream last night that I found a new guy. Progress?

Saturday, May 5, 2012

And more job applications!

Today was more job applications. So many, but I think I'm done.
Except for the handful of online applications I remember I'm going to have to fill out. great.

By tomorrow, I'll be done. Then it's (hopefully) time for interviews.

I haven't thought about Mike much today. It hurts still, but it's really not a constant on my mind.
Right now, I'm missing the physical part most actually. I liked being kissed.

Well crap, now I'm thinking about him and it's hurting more.

I'm just going to cut this post short and go back to watching Wife Swap.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Job applications

Today I went to a job interview at Macy's. I was told if I didn't have to go back to school, I could have worked there.
oh well.

The Macy's was in a mall that I last went to with Mike. I found it hard not to cry over him while I was there, but I managed. No tears.
Not to say that I haven't cried today, I just didn't do it in public.
I was mad at him for a little while today. I thought if I saw him I would punch him in his stupid face for leaving me.
Now I'm not so mad, but I miss him a lot. I miss having someone to talk to about everything all the time. I miss feeling that anything I plan in the future, I won't be alone. Now I'm scared I'll be alone for years.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Today is hard.

Today has been a long and crazy day.
I got up early to drive my mom to work so I could have the car for the day. Then I went back to sleep.
Got up again, went out searching for jobs. Applied at a day camp for kids--it looks just like this place that I used to go to as a kid, Discovery Zone. That would be an awesome place to work.
Went to a restaurant, didn't apply. They were closed and something about the area just made me feel eh.
Went to a game store, was told they weren't hiring, but I bought a game anyways.
I just wanted my own copy of Bang, okay?

Then, I rehearsed some songs for the community theater auditions I'll be going to. I unpacked a bit, washed some clothes, made an appointment for one job interview and turned down another (they could only offer 6-10 hours a week), and drove back out to pick my mom up from work.

I am exhausted. I'm excited at all the new prospects I have--auditions! job interviews!
but I miss him so much that I'm not as happy as I should be.

Luckily, I saw some Ben & Jerry's in the freezer, so that'll cheer me up.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Back home

Today I moved out of my dorm, and I'm back home.

It's a little easier. I wouldn't be seeing him anyways now.

Going to ABC yesterday was pretty awesome. I got some hard cider and got drunk, woo. (I am 21, just to clarify.)

I'm really tired right now. Not quite used to blogging every day yet. Besides, I'm not interesting yet. I will be, I promise!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Getting better

Today I went a whole 2 hours without thinking about Mike (the ex).
Of course, when I realized that, I started thinking about him again, and then started crying.

I'm at a weird place. I'm realizing that I'll be okay if I don't have him anymore, I can survive on my own, but then I'm also thinking I will never love again.

It's too early to be in love again, though, isn't it?

I don't know what I'm doing with myself.

Today is my last day of classes. Meaning all we did was turn in final papers and deal with evaluations. Pretty boring, pretty easy.

In another hour, I'm heading to ABC (Amherst Brewing Company) to get drunk with some classmates. Never been there before. I'll tell all about it tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I go home. Get out of here where I keep picturing him all the time, get back to a place that reminds me of childhood, but not really because I moved to MA when I was 16. It still reminds me of a time before Mike. I need that now.