Bad things today

As it turns out, I may not be able to finish my creative writing class.
I'm not okay with this. It's devastating. This is my favorite class and I was extremely lucky to get in it.
I don't know how I'll manage that last semester if I don't have it.

but it's looking like it's either drop it or wait another year to graduate.

Today sucked.

I'm neurotic.

So here's what happened. A meetup was posted today in New York on a weekend I'm going back for Kyle's birthday.
I realized, he's probably going.
I realized, he probably won't tell me until after I've bought the bus tickets.

Then I realized if I press him, I could know earlier, and then I could maybe go too.

Then, the thought came to me that I just don't fit in with New York bronies. Would I like to spend a weekend in NY with my boyfriend? hell yeah! but they're his friends and they're not my friends.
Different friend groups is why Mike and I broke up. or at least part of the reason. I think.

I wondered for a moment if this is why I was trying so hard to be on Bronycon staff. Might have been, and I do realize that's not a good reason. Of course Kyle can have his own friends, I shouldn't try to weasel my way in on that.
Besides, I'm working on a con for GHL. I'm busy enough as it is.
So I decided you know what, I should let that go. No more trying to be on staff, I'll let that be.

And then I realized that if I don't get on staff (which I'll be honest! it was a long shot anyways) or even volunteer (which I can't because I'd be working under Kyle, and that's not a good situation) I won't be able to afford going to bronycon, which is kind of a huge deal.

which then led me to thinking that I am going to be cut off as soon as I graduate and not be able to afford anything anymore

and now I want to cry


kyle's probably going to find some other girl in new york
why would he want someone as neurotic as me

Long long long day

Backpack + 5 lb textbook + laptop + 20 minute walk = terribly sore shoulder.

I need a massage like now.

So tired

Days like this I just want to cuddle up with a book and a boyfriend and stop thinking about my life.

but I can't.

It's not that anything's really wrong, it's just...busy. And I'm tired of being busy.

Today is a day.

Today I went to classes and ditched out on a meeting I was supposed to go to because I just did NOT feel like doing it.
If I had to, I would have, but I didn't have to.