Long day

I'm really sick of all my classes. All of them, even the writing ones.
How long till the semester's over?
6 weeks.
Only 3.5 weeks of classes though.

Okay, maybe I can handle it.
How many times do I get to go home and/or see Kyle over those 6 weeks?
At least 3. Maybe 4.
That's not bad.

dreams

I had a bizarre dream about Kyle last night that today is just throwing me off.
it would be better if I could talk to him, but knowing him, he won't be online for a while.

Ponies!

I spent so much money on pony stuff today, but I had fun with some new brony people, so it was worth it.

Also, I finished Kyle's birthday present! it looks super good.

I am feeling really happy with my life now.

I just wrote about fonts for a full hour

workworkworkwork
Kyle is a nice guy. He's being really sweet to me lately when I'm whining about shit.
I wish I knew more what was going on with him though. He doesn't talk much about himself.

Guys just don't really do that, though, it seems. He listens to me, and he knows I'll listen to him if he wants to talk about whatever. So that's good enough.

today.

mmm it's a day.
Working on Kyle's birthday present. it's more difficult than anticipated but it's still good.

home again, home again

I went home for the weekend. it was a good weekend.
I spent some time with brony people, some time with family, and a lot of time with Kyle. I like Kyle time.

I think that somehow, this long distance thing really is working. So I can only see him a couple times a month. We're both so busy that the time's flying by.
And we talk enough that it's okay. I don't need him around to know that he cares.

I'm okay.

Today sucked.

I'm neurotic.

So here's what happened. A meetup was posted today in New York on a weekend I'm going back for Kyle's birthday.
I realized, he's probably going.
I realized, he probably won't tell me until after I've bought the bus tickets.

Then I realized if I press him, I could know earlier, and then I could maybe go too.

Then, the thought came to me that I just don't fit in with New York bronies. Would I like to spend a weekend in NY with my boyfriend? hell yeah! but they're his friends and they're not my friends.
Different friend groups is why Mike and I broke up. or at least part of the reason. I think.

I wondered for a moment if this is why I was trying so hard to be on Bronycon staff. Might have been, and I do realize that's not a good reason. Of course Kyle can have his own friends, I shouldn't try to weasel my way in on that.
Besides, I'm working on a con for GHL. I'm busy enough as it is.
So I decided you know what, I should let that go. No more trying to be on staff, I'll let that be.

And then I realized that if I don't get on staff (which I'll be honest! it was a long shot anyways) or even volunteer (which I can't because I'd be working under Kyle, and that's not a good situation) I won't be able to afford going to bronycon, which is kind of a huge deal.

which then led me to thinking that I am going to be cut off as soon as I graduate and not be able to afford anything anymore

and now I want to cry


kyle's probably going to find some other girl in new york
why would he want someone as neurotic as me

things and stuff.

Yesterday wasn't too interesting, neither was today.

I got toys. for Kyle.

I'm doing okay in classes.

Honestly I just want to finish up this post and get back to watching Serenity.

Going home!

Tomorrow, I get to go to the Big E.
Then I go home.
And then I see Kyle!

yay!

Early post today

I try to get a post done every day after I get the things I need to get done out of the way.
I finished all that early.
It feels nice.

I'm more social today and missing people less. Although I still miss my friends, and Kyle, it doesn't hurt as bad as it did.

I'm so lonely.

I miss my friends back home.
I know at this point it's only one year, and then I'm pretty much going to be Boston fulltime. That's my plan, anyways.
But it still hurts a lot.
I feel like there's no one to talk to about random things.
There's no one who cares about my professors being anti sci-fi, which is usually one of my favorite rants.
I've talked enough about Kyle, but I miss him so bad too. If he has time for video games, why does he never have time for a skype call?

I'm sick of crying.
 It's 3 weeks until I go home for a visit. That's a long time.

I just want to reach out to someone and say make me less lonely. Ideally, yeah, Kyle, but he's not here right now.
No one's here right now.

Perry since chances are you've found this blog by now and are my only reader at the moment, maybe you'll talk to me. Even though I really don't want to be friends with you, talking to you is at least better than being so totally alone.

things are getting okay.

I got my homework done (although tomorrow's is looking INSANE) and I have things done.
I'm on track.

Plus I had some Kyle time.

I miss him but talking to him is good.

tired and sore.

Today I didn't do so much busy stuff, but I kept pretty busy.
Applied for a writing job. Worked for my other writing job. Just did pilates. And I'm making dinner tonight.
And now I finally finally! get some Kyle time.
well virtual Kyle time, he's still not here. obviously. but he will be maybe eventually!

so tired

apparently, Tuesdays and Wednesdays will both be super long days.
I miss talking to Kyle. we haven't had time to talk in a while.

why do I suck?

Trying to plan a party, but can't get ahold of people I want to go to it.

so that's. frustrating.
it's going to be the last time I see Kyle before I go back to school, too, so it has to happen.

but if I don't see him? I think I'll be okay.
He told me that he loves me last night.
We're going to try to have skype dates when we can.
I'm going to miss him so much, but I think we'll be okay.

OW.

Cramps.
Cramps suck.
Cramps mean I have to work 7 hours in pain, come home and do more work in more pain.
Yoga helped slightly, and yay exercise, but OMG CRAMPS.

Cramps, and the accompanying nasty period, do mean one very important thing, however: I am not pregnant!
So yeah, yesterday's blog can be 100% ignorrrred

Tomorrow is Pi-Con! All weekend is Pi-Con!

and then Saturday/Sunday is seeing Mike again. I don't have a plan to see him, but I know he'll be there and it's a small convention.

I hope I don't cry.
...I'm going to cry.

I did love him. I can't honestly say now that I don't, but it's different. Kyle is the guy for me now, and I'm really happy with him. But Mike was important to me, and I do miss him. It will be undoubtedly hard to see him again.

I've been emailing him and it's been okay. But idk how seeing him will go.

That's maybe why I'm so stressed lately.

Today I went to work and it was long and it sucked.

Then went shopping for a bit. I like shopping, it's fun. It's an expensive habit unfortunately.

Then visited Kyle. He gave me a massage because I was dying in pain, and it felt so good. We cuddled and watched TV.
it was weirdly like how I used to be with Mike. Down to the same TV show we used to watch together, actually. American Dad.
But it didn't feel anything like how it was with Mike. with Mike it was familiar and comfortable and a bit boring. with Kyle, every part of my body that touches his is electrified and I pay more attention to feeling his heartbeat and his breath than I do to the show.
That sounds weird now...
but the point is, Mike was background for me. I liked him being there, but he could have been replaced by any warm body to snuggle with.
Kyle is Kyle. He's irreplaceable.

came home, tried on my costume again. I'm a pretty pretty princess!

mmm.

I don't even know anymore!

I'm not caring about this blog, but I don't want to give it up. Eventually I'll want to come back to it.

Why can't I go on and write big long posts about things that happened during my day?

You know what? let's do that.

Today started with a meetup I was running at Kimball Farms. but I was soooo not in the mood to meet up with anyone but Kyle because I was in a crappy mood. so I left. I do feel bad but I had a good time with Kyle and they had a good time without me.

I drove way too far to get to Kyle, because he was at another friend's house. We hung out there for a while watching crazy kids shows. Also talked some bronycon stuff which I won't repeat here because honestly I don't think I'm supposed to know it.

And then I drove Kyle back to his dorm, except halfway back he realized he left his phone and ID so we had to turn around again. and then, got lost. and this ate up my gas all so much, but it was time to talk to Kyle. and apologize for being so clingy.

still can't confess that I love him. I will, eventually. before I go back to school at least. I hope I can manage to say it. I keep trying and the words just keep not coming out.

then I came home. Tried on my costume that mom's making for me. I was going to make it but time constraints didn't let me, so mom spent all weekend working on it. I really am grateful, and it looks really great.

I am dying.

I just feel crazy sick today.

I also feel weird about Kyle. it feels for some reason like he doesn't want to spend time with me.
And I know he does. He spent all morning with me and was going to try his best to be here later today. He can't.
Now he won't text much, but I get that's because he doesn't have unlimited texts. He has to watch that limit.
I don't know why it feels like he doesn't like me when I know 100% that isn't true.
I'll see him tomorrow. And I spent all last night with him. Why isn't that good enough?

because he just texted me saying he isn't sure he'll be able to hang out with me tomorrow.
is there something wrong with me?

Kyle

I think I'm in love.