Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Work again

My work schedule won't get straight. Now the day I had gotten added to the schedule, I'm not working.
what the f.
Okay, whatever, just means time to sleep, yeah?

Today I thought about Mike a lot. I thought I was getting better, but now I feel like I would literally change everything about myself if it meant getting him back.
I miss him so much.
I want someone else. I don't want to keep being alone. But it feels like I'll never want anyone else, and no one else will ever want me. I'm completely worthless because I'm not good enough for Mike.

At some points I do know the only thing wrong with me is that I keep thinking that.
it just bugs me that he didn't have a reason for dumping me. Can you really just fall out of love with someone and stop caring?
I know he doesn't care because he hasn't talked to me. I haven't talked to him because I'm giving him space. I also needed some time to fall out of love with him (apparently more time than this) and adjust to seeing him just as a friend.
But he didn't need that time. He already doesn't love me, as much as that hurts to say (and to be honest, he never actually said it. I asked him to, because I needed to hear it, but he wouldn't say it. I don't want to read into that, but I am glad now he didn't say it because if he had it would have been repeating in my head forever).
So if he doesn't need the time to get over me, if he already just sees me as a friend, why won't he talk to me?
The only answer I have is that he doesn't see me as a friend. I'm nothing to him. He's forgotten about me or hates me so much for whatever reason that he doesn't want to talk to me.
And I don't mean a big "hey let's talk about how much you hurt me" kind of drama. I'm getting a new phone (because mine broke) and I want to just tell him that, because I know that's the kind of thing he cares about. I'm scared to tell him anything, even that minor, because he will not talk to me and I don't know why.
This was the thing I was most scared of happening.

It's taking a huge amount of effort not to stalk him on Facebook. I'm scared he's already moved on and is with some other girl already. She's probably a total slut.

I'm watching all these Lifetime movies about girls who go crazy when they're rejected or dumped. And I keep finding myself sympathizing with the crazy chick.

If I'm a phoenix, how much more do I have to die before I can finally get to that rebirth?

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